Odd News

(it's time for some good news!! but I couldn't find any.
so let's do Odd News instead.)

Here are a few odd stories I found today, with my comments at the end of each one in red.

Ready?

Story # 1: Man Tied 15 Lizards To Chest At Airport

LOS ANGELES – Federal officials say they arrested a man who strapped 15 live lizards to his chest to get through customs at Los Angeles International Airport.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service said Friday that 40-year-old Michael Plank of Lomita, Calif., was returning from Australia when U.S. Customs agents found 11 skinks, two geckos and two monitor lizards fastened to his body Tuesday.

"Excuse me sir, could you explain those tails poking out between your buttons? And why is your carry-on bag full of crickets and spiders?"

Story # 2: Johnny Depp Named Sexiest Man Alive



Seriously? Who were the other candidates? Michael Moore and Homer Simpson?


Story # 3: Santa Gets A Face-Lift

WELLINGTON (Reuters) – A Santa in New Zealand with a droopy eye has received a NZ$100,000 ($74,000) face-lift in the run-up to Christmas so that his aging face does not scare children.


Hello ... you don't think the sight of THIS will scare the children??

~~~

Palin Resigns From Book Tour

(somebody move that street sign. it's blocking my face)

A week into her much-anticipated book tour, Sarah Palin gave a surprise resignation speech this morning at a local Christmas tree farm.

As a buzz-saw decapitated a live tree behind her, Palin breathlessly explained that the tour was not quite what she expected.

"People who know me know that nothing is more important to me than faith, family and daily headlines on Fox News," she said. "But let's be real here, people. A BUS?? You expect me to travel on a BUS day after day?

"Oh sure, it's a pretty nice bus - and it does have the biggest picture of me, like, ever, other than the one in my living room back home. But please. It's a bus.

"There is absolutely nothing mavericky about a bus.

"Rest assured, my loyal and devoted followers with the adorable Psalm 109:8 secret code t-shirts and the balloon animals on your heads and the concealed weapons in your purses, I am not retreating. I am advancing in another direction.

"I'm coming, Oprah! Save that 4:00 time slot for me."

~~~

I'm so confused

(forgive me lord, but i hate his guts)

I got another email today from Senator John Cornyn, here in Texas. He is very confusing.

His emails consistently contradict everything else I read. Perhaps, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he has different, official, Senatorial sources. Or perhaps, as I suspect, he is a dunderhead.

Here are some of the points in his email, followed by some points from an article on CNN.com on the exact same subject. Draw your own conclusions.

Senator Cornyn:
Last night, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid released his 2,074-page health care bill, which Senate Budget Committee analysis shows will cost American taxpayers $2.5 trillion when fully implemented over ten years.

CNN:
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid unveiled a sweeping health care bill Wednesday that would expand health insurance coverage to 30 million more Americans at an estimated cost of $849 billion over 10 years.

Senator Cornyn:
The bill will increase taxes on all Americans by nearly half a trillion dollars and breaks the President’s pledge not to raise taxes on working families earning less than $250,000.

CNN:
The Medicare payroll tax on individuals earning $200,000 a year and couples earning $250,000 a year would increase by half a percentage point, from the current 1.45 percent to 1.95 percent.

Senator Cornyn:
The Reid bill increases taxpayer spending and liability for health care over the next ten years—instead of reforming our already insolvent entitlement programs.

CNN:
The budget office estimated that the proposal would reduce the federal deficit by $127 billion over the next 10 years and by more than $600 billion in the following decade.

Senator Cornyn:
I am a complete dunderhead who loves to make up stuff and email it to people.

Me:
That is the first accurate thing I have ever heard from you.

Senator Cornyn:
But hey, who cares? I have great health insurance and nice white hair and I get to be on TV saying whatever the heck I want. I'm a Senator, you know.

Me:
Not for long, buddy. Not if I have anything to say about it.

~~~

Orrin Hatch promises "Holy War" over health reform.

(denying health care to your fellow Americans ... there's a cause we can all get behind)

Now that the Senate has unveiled its health reform plan, Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) has promised a "Holy War" during the final long, agonizing, and at this point extremely pointless process of coming up with a final bill.

From the L.A. Times:

Republicans, who have criticized the Democrats' initiative as a step toward government control of the healthcare system, are already planning a series of delaying tactics, including forcing the entire bill to be read aloud on the Senate floor.

"It's going to be a holy war," Sen. Orrin G. Hatch (R-Utah) said Wednesday evening.

~~~

I was curious about Senator Hatch's choice of words, so I called his office last night. Here is an official transcript of our fictional conversation:

Me: Holy Health Reform, Senator Hatch! You seem to feel very strongly about this issue.

SH: I certainly do, young lady! It is preposterous to allow the government to take over health care. The insurance companies are doing a fine job.

Me: So, those checks from PhRMA are still coming through for you?

SH: Yes indeedy. Flowing like a river.

Me: Holy Handouts! That's great for you. But I'm curious about this "Holy War" you have promised. Don't you think that's a little inflammatory and right-wingy?

SH: I'm just telling it like it is. Health reform is wrong. Abortions are wrong except under certain conditions like for instance when nobody realizes they are in your health coverage for, like, 2o years, at which point they become extra emphatically wrong. And anything the Democrats propose is, of course, wrong.

Me: Holy HowBullheadedCanYouBe! This whole health reform thing has been so totally watered down and compromised, at this point even Republicans should be able to find things in there that they like! Come on. How about promoting unity and charity and health care for everyone? Wouldn't those be Holy ideas we could all get behind?

SH: No. No. No no. Nononononono. That is the official Republican Holier Than Thou position. And we're sticking together. Come Holy Hell or high water.

Me: .... sigh ...

~~~

Sarah Palin on Oprah: Wowie, what a show!!

(aren't my kids cute? stop talking about them!!)

What a blockbuster moment!! The media event of the year!! The two most self-absorbed women in the world, on stage together. Brought a little tear to my eye.

Here is an actual, unauthorized, and completely imaginary but not that far from the truth transcript of the much-anticipated Oprah-Palin interview:

Oprah: I am delighted to welcome you to my show, Sarah! Is this spotlight bright enough for you?

Sarah: Yes, it's lovely! I've been in lots of spotlights, and this is one of the best so far.

O: I need to apologize for not having you on sooner. I had some hard-hitting subjects to tackle, like Get To Know Your Colon With Dr. Oz and Why You Schmucks Are All Hopelessly Bankrupt with Suze Orman.

S: Oh, I totally understand! I've only recently become articulate, so really it works out better this way.

O: So tell me. What was it like to get that phone call, telling you that John McCain wanted to speak with you about the vice presidency?

S: It was no big deal. It was just a natural progression from the rest of my stellar career. I mean, I worked super hard just to get my bachelor's degree. Took me twelve years and nineteen different colleges. How much harder could it be to be the VP? No biggie.

O: And what about all those nasty rumors about your family? Did that bother you?

S: Oh yes. That was terrible. Every time I dragged my entire family out in front of huge crowds on national television, I pleaded with people NOT to say anything about them. Just because I carried my baby around like a canned ham and kept my other children out of school all year, that does NOT make them fodder for the radical left-wing media. It's so unfair. Right, kids?

S's Kids: Yes Mommy!

O: I have SO many other questions but your publicists told me I couldn't ask them and besides we are out of time. Thank you Sarah! Hope to see you soon!

S: Oh, I'll be around. You betcha.

~~~

More stuff you just can't make up

What a fun week in politics!

First, a story broke in Politico, revealing that the RNC has provided employees with a health insurance plan that covers elective abortions since 1991.

Oops.

Michael Steele immediately promised to end this coverage, insisting that it was only in place for emergency situations such as mistresses who live in New Jersey instead of Argentina.

"No self-respecting Republican would condone this despicable practice," said Larry Craig at a press conference held in the men's room of the San Francisco airport. "What were they thinking? This is morally indefensible. Now excuse me, someone is waiting for me in stall # 3. Coming, pookie-ooks!"

Next, the AARP endorsed the House health care bill, prompting John McCain to urge supporters to tear up their membership cards. The white-haired tea partiers in the crowd looked at each other in confusion.

"What about my Applebee's discount?" yelled Bertha Twittlebottom from Des Moines. "You expect me to pay full price for my Maple Butter Blondie? What is this country coming to?"

Somebody also started leaking portions of their new book this week, but I'm not going to pick on that.

It's just too easy.

~~~

Breaking News: 85% of Americans exempt from health reform

(i've got email - again.)

Hey! Good news for Tea Partiers! 85% of Americans will be exempt from President Obama's health reform plan.

How do I know? I read it in an email.

Well, kind of.

My husband got an email from a right-wing friend, with this picture in it:




Since I am a concerned blogger, I am dedicated to the truth, and I was extremely bored at the time, I looked up the page and line in question, from the Senate finance committee bill.

Sure enough! Page 114 Line 22 says that the Public Health Insurance Option will not be available to anyone who is covered under the Federal employees health benefits program.

So, Barack, Michelle, Sasha, Malia, Puppy Bo, Congress, and Senators will be unable to choose that option. Or, if you want to put it that way, they will be "exempt."

And guess what?? The VERY NEXT paragraph (Page 115, Line 1) says that anyone with "employer-sponsored coverage" is ALSO unable to choose the public option - I mean, "exempt from health care reform."

Think about this.

The right-wingers should be delighted! The 85% of Americans who are supposedly happy with their insurance coverage are EXEMPT from health care reform! Happy day!

There is no need to send any more emails. No reason to wear your baseball caps and accost your congress-people at Tea Parties. If you have insurance through your employer, the public option will not affect you. You are exempt.

Now please shut up and let the rest of us have a choice.

~~~