My resignation letter. Well, maybe.

(me? stop ranting? nah)

Dear followers, lurkers, and anonymous commenters from Japan:

Good news! I have discovered how to make money blogging. Here's how you do it: you stop blogging, and get a job.

Yes, somebody actually offered me a real, full-time job. I start next week. I'm very excited. It's not a blogging job, but it is a writing job with a wonderful company.

Of course, the bad news is that I will have less time for blogging. And I had SO many things to rant about!

I was going to look into genetically modified organisms, which I hate to tell you but you probably eat these mutated food-like undigestable substances for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. Truly scary stuff.

I was going to cover the upcoming health reform summit in great detail, which I'm sure will be very amusing. Maybe President Obama will propose a tax credit for surgically removing sneers from the faces of certain Republican leaders *cough*Boehner*cough*.

And of course I was going to follow Sarah Palin's run for the presidency in 2012, which you betcha is coming and which will provide ENDLESS fodder for bloggers like me. And since I am satirical, just like Rush Limbaugh, I can say whatever I want without worrying about offending Ms. Palin. What a relief!

Clearly I can't let these opportunities completely pass me by. So I'll be around! I just won't be ranting quite as frequently.

Have a great day, my friends! But put down that muffin. Trust me, you don't want to eat that. I'll tell you why later.

~~~

No joke

(the more i see of her, the more afraid i become)

Sarah Palin gave the keynote speech at the Tea Party convention yesterday. She blasted President Obama, said the word "Reagan" several hundred times, and rallied her fans with confusing run-on sentences and catchy little bumper-sticker sayings like this "How's that hope-y change-y thing workin' out for ya?"

She enumerated some admirable goals without offering any workable solutions, urged a smaller government but a bigger military, and pined for the good ol' days of waterboarding.

Then she took pre-planned questions from the audience.

With pre-planned answers written on her palm.

I kid you not.




This is just sad.

Her supporters don't care. That's even sadder. (From one message board: "I'll take inarticulate but honest over smooth-talking liar any day.")

So, if she bugs me so much, why do I keep talking about her? Why give her even more publicity? Because like her or not, she isn't going away. We all need to understand exactly what could happen if the tea party movement grows stronger.

Imagine that legendary 3 a.m. phone call - with no crib notes written on her hand.

In fact, this morning on Fox News, Chris Wallace asked if she might run in 2012.

Her response: "I think that it would be absurd to not consider what it is that I can potentially do to help our country."

Scary.

Sad.

Absurd, indeed.

~~~

Hank Paulson Book Tour

(everybody's writing books these days.
and why not? there's so much to write about.)

Hank Paulson is now ready to enlighten us all about the near-collapse of the financial system, with his new book "On The Brink." I kind of wish somebody had pushed him OFF that brink, preferably with cement blocks on his feet. But no, here he is, with a book explaining how difficult those times were for poor Hank.

It was stressful.

He suffered bouts of exhaustion and nausea.

He read Bible verses and prayed for divine assistance.

Barf.

Here is one of my favorite passages, which I swear I did not make up. He's talking about a conversation with Sarah Palin:

"Right away she started calling me Hank... But for some reason, the way she said it over the phone like that, even though we'd never met, rubbed me the wrong way. I'm also not sure she grasped the full dimensions of the situation I had sketched out - or so some of her comments made me think."

And now, guess what? I am totally excited to bring you an exclusive interview! The first stop on Paulson's book tour is this fictitious, amusing and hard-hitting Fox News discussion with fellow author and bewildered pundit ... Sarah Palin! What a coincidence!

Let's listen in...

~~~

Sarah: Good morning Hank! Can I call you Hank?

Hank: No.

S: Thanks! It's such an honor to meet a distinguished American such as yourself on this great American network that has given me an opportunity to rebuke the shameless critics who have nothing better to do than to mock myself, a genuine American hockey mom as you know therefore.

H: Was that a question?

S: Oh! Haha! Yes I do have some questions for you, Hankster. First, where's your bus?

H: It's right outside. It's the one with the sign on the side that says "Back off. I did it to Lehman Brothers, I can do it to you."

S: I understand your faith helped you get through the whole ordeal, HankyPank.

H: Yes. I often turned to God for help.

S: You mean you prayed?

H: No. I called Lloyd Blankfein, the Godly head of Goldman Sachs who wants nothing more than to do God's work. He always had encouraging words for me.

S: Like what, HankityWankity?

H: He would tell me, "Henry" - he calls me Henry like most normal people - "Henry, this will all work out in the end. You know from whence your help cometh and to whence the billions of dollars of taxpayer money needeth to go. Get ye hence and write us a check." So I did.

S: (sniff) Oh, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard! Thank you for your time. Can I call you Hank?

H: No.

S: Thanks Hank! Tune in tomorrow, when I will be giving my punditistic opinion on whatever happens in the meantime. See ya!

~~~

Sarah's Top Ten Questions About Her New Job

(wanna see me count to 2?)

Sarah, I'm so happy for you! And for me! I will never ever run out of blogging material.

In honor of Sarah's new job at Fox News, here are her Top Ten Questions About Being A Pundit:

1. Am I getting paid by the word?

2. Can I call you Bill? and Glenn? and Sean?

3. Does the red light on the camera mean I should stop? Or go? Could you write that down for me?

4. Would you mind calling me POTUS? I don't know what it means exactly, but I like the sound of it.

5. When I go from one show to another, I won't have to take a bus, will I?

6. Do you like my left-eye wink better, or my right-eye wink? Like this? Or this? This one? Or this one?

7. Do I have to give these clothes back?

8. What types of newspapers and magazines do you read every day? Gotcha!!

9. If I resign, do I still get paid?

10. Could somebody answer for me what it is exactly that a pundit does every day? I'm used to being very productive and working real hard on Facebook and Twitter. I want to make sure that the Pundit position will be a fruitful type of position, especially for my net worth and for the money and famousness that I'm trying to accomplish before I become President.

Which, by the way, could somebody answer for me what it is exactly that a President does every day? Take your time, I've got until 2012 to figger that one out.

More odd news!

(so many odd things to talk about - so little time)

Gee, the news just keeps getting odder and odder!

Let's see, first there are the endless Sarah Palin interviews. Barbara Walters actually asked her with a straight face who she might consider for her Vice President, and managed to keep that straight face when Sarah went on to praise Glenn Beck. Good lord.

Very odd.

Then, there's the endless process of health reform. I heard yesterday that there are 4 members of the Democratic Caucus who are threatening to filibuster THEIR OWN PARTY'S BILL. Has this happened before? Aren't they supposed to filibuster bills from THE OPPOSITION??

Very odd.

As a little side note, I heard that Mary Landrieu sold her "yes" vote for $300 million. I definitely need to get into politics. I would sell my votes for way less than that.

And last but not least, there is the question of where on earth our President has gone?

I mean, sure, we all saw him bowing in Tokyo the other day. And we hear that he's working on Afghanistan and global warming. But look. When was the last time you saw the guy? Where did all those inspiring speeches go? And why does he look all fuzzy and far away in photographs these days?

Surely the real Barack Obama wouldn't let the health reform debate flounder like this. Surely he wouldn't allow Wall Street to continue its reckless ways while Main Street suffers. Surely the guy that I voted for wouldn't sit back in silence while the critics have a field day with the decisions being made about the Guantanamo prisoners.

Barack? Is that you?

Very odd.

~~~

Palin Resigns From Book Tour

(somebody move that street sign. it's blocking my face)

A week into her much-anticipated book tour, Sarah Palin gave a surprise resignation speech this morning at a local Christmas tree farm.

As a buzz-saw decapitated a live tree behind her, Palin breathlessly explained that the tour was not quite what she expected.

"People who know me know that nothing is more important to me than faith, family and daily headlines on Fox News," she said. "But let's be real here, people. A BUS?? You expect me to travel on a BUS day after day?

"Oh sure, it's a pretty nice bus - and it does have the biggest picture of me, like, ever, other than the one in my living room back home. But please. It's a bus.

"There is absolutely nothing mavericky about a bus.

"Rest assured, my loyal and devoted followers with the adorable Psalm 109:8 secret code t-shirts and the balloon animals on your heads and the concealed weapons in your purses, I am not retreating. I am advancing in another direction.

"I'm coming, Oprah! Save that 4:00 time slot for me."

~~~

Sarah Palin on Oprah: Wowie, what a show!!

(aren't my kids cute? stop talking about them!!)

What a blockbuster moment!! The media event of the year!! The two most self-absorbed women in the world, on stage together. Brought a little tear to my eye.

Here is an actual, unauthorized, and completely imaginary but not that far from the truth transcript of the much-anticipated Oprah-Palin interview:

Oprah: I am delighted to welcome you to my show, Sarah! Is this spotlight bright enough for you?

Sarah: Yes, it's lovely! I've been in lots of spotlights, and this is one of the best so far.

O: I need to apologize for not having you on sooner. I had some hard-hitting subjects to tackle, like Get To Know Your Colon With Dr. Oz and Why You Schmucks Are All Hopelessly Bankrupt with Suze Orman.

S: Oh, I totally understand! I've only recently become articulate, so really it works out better this way.

O: So tell me. What was it like to get that phone call, telling you that John McCain wanted to speak with you about the vice presidency?

S: It was no big deal. It was just a natural progression from the rest of my stellar career. I mean, I worked super hard just to get my bachelor's degree. Took me twelve years and nineteen different colleges. How much harder could it be to be the VP? No biggie.

O: And what about all those nasty rumors about your family? Did that bother you?

S: Oh yes. That was terrible. Every time I dragged my entire family out in front of huge crowds on national television, I pleaded with people NOT to say anything about them. Just because I carried my baby around like a canned ham and kept my other children out of school all year, that does NOT make them fodder for the radical left-wing media. It's so unfair. Right, kids?

S's Kids: Yes Mommy!

O: I have SO many other questions but your publicists told me I couldn't ask them and besides we are out of time. Thank you Sarah! Hope to see you soon!

S: Oh, I'll be around. You betcha.

~~~

Vacation

(i'm leavin' on a jet plane. me and my psychedelic suitcase.)

Get out some kleenex. Take a seat. I have bad news - I'm leaving tomorrow for a week's vacation. Stop sobbing. It will be fine. Life will carry on without me.

Max Baucus will continue to work on behalf of the big insurance companies. Maybe he will add a provision to his UnitedHealth Prosperity Bill that will add a new surtax for liberal bloggers. Or maybe he will admit that, haha! it was all a big joke, and introduce the REAL bill.

Sarah Palin will work with her editor to finish her book. It's 400 pages long right now, but after they take out any sentences that don't make sense, plus the words "rogue" and "mavericky" it will end up just a tad longer than Curious George And The Puppies, which is much more reasonable for her particular audience.

My supporters will finalize the design for my Lesleymo For Governor campaign buttons and t-shirts. (Official slogan: What The Hell It Can't Get Any Worse) If you haven't sent your check for $12.6 million, why not do it this week? That would make a lovely surprise when I get back home.

~~~

Where is Sarah Palin?

(sarah? is that you?)

The Anchorage Daily News reports that Sarah has been a no-show at four events in the past few months. Most recently, she was billed as the star speaker at a big Alaska Family Council fundraiser but at the last minute, her staff said they had never confirmed the event and she was out of town.

You know what this means, don't you?

There is a spotlight shining brightly, and Sarah is not in it!!

Something is clearly wrong.

The world has heard from Sarah only through her Facebook page, where she posts messages from time to time. Mostly about Death Panels.

"Well, let's see. There's ― of course in the great history of America there have been rulings that there's never going to be absolute consensus by every American, and there are those issues, again, like Death Panels, where I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So, you know, going through the history of America, there would be others. But."

The real question, of course, is not "What the heck is she talking about?"

The real question is, "Where did she go?"

~

Here are my theories:

1. She's in Argentina, waiting for Mark Sanford to resign.

2. She's trying to decide on names for baby # 6. Tree? Triangle? Triplicate?

3. She is studying for a guest appearance on "Are You Smarter Than A Third Grader?"

4. She fired her ghostwriter, and she's hard at work on her book. "And so thus, clearly, in this great American country of ours that is being torn apart from within and without and of course again, like so many others before me, also. Whereas."

~

Miss ya, Sarah! I'm sure we will see you soon.

~~~

Palin Resignation, Chapter Two

The news has sunk in. The pundits and bloggers are going to town. Sarah Palin has explained her decision quite extensively. And everybody is trying to figure out what the heck she is talking about.

Nothing new there.

I'm a little surprised that there hasn't been more talk about the speech itself. You can read a transcript here. Or better yet, watch the video here.

Notice her speech patterns. She is talking so fast, she's practically gasping for air. There is a pressured quality to her speech. Her thoughts jump from one topic to another, particularly towards the end when she goes off-script. She is cheerful and upbeat, to say the least. And she has grandiose ideas, apparently inspired by God.

Let me digress for a minute.

My mom often exhibited these same characteristics. She was a bright, intelligent woman who would sometimes get lofty ideas - and then would make impulsive decisions. When she was in the midst of these decisions, she would adopt very specific speech patterns. Rushed, pressured, upbeat. Inspired by God.

Mom accomplished a lot during her lifetime. She single-handedly saved a historic railroad station from demolition. She was loved and respected.

She was also bipolar.

I don't mean to spread rumors, or to disparage Ms. Palin's intentions. She is a bright, vibrant woman who will probably impact politics for years to come. But if she is bipolar and she doesn't get treatment, we could all be in for a wild ride. The 'ups' tend to get higher and higher, and the subsequent 'downs' can be devastating.

Take care of yourself, Sarah. I don't agree with your politics, but I wish you the best.

~~~

Sarah Palin Resigns

Wow. Here's a stunner: Sarah Palin has just announced that she is resigning as governor of Alaska.

After numerous ethics investigations and even more numerous media circuses, she said she is tired of the "superficial political bloodsport" that has been aimed at her. This is certainly true. Honestly, she has lasted longer than I would have.

She also said "We are not retreating, we are advancing in another direction." So perhaps she is stepping down so she can concentrate on a presidential run in 2012.

Either way, I am sure to have plenty of blog topics for months and months to come.

For now, I'll leave it at "wow."

~~~

Your turn, Sarah

(pick one.)

I'm sure you have already heard about David Letterman's inappropriate joke and the ensuing furor from the Palin family. Just in case you have been comatose for the past week, here is a link. After initially trying to defend the joke, Letterman apologized yesterday.

Now, I am not going to defend the joke. It was clearly out of line. If I was the mom of the daughter in question (regardless of which daughter he was talking about) I would have been livid.

But.

If I was a politician with ambitions on a national (if not global) scale, I would have responded differently. A simple, strong comment would have been sufficient, without comparing the issue to the rape of a child or invoking the U.S. military for a touch of flag-waving:

"Letterman certainly has the right to 'joke' about whatever he wants to, and thankfully we have the right to express our reaction," said Palin in a statement to Fox News, one of many, many statements she made on the issue. "This is all thanks to our U.S. Military women and men putting their lives on the line for us to secure America's Right to Free Speech."

Oh please. This is all thanks to the unabashed political ambitions of a woman who seeks the warm glow of any spotlight, any time, for any reason.

David Letterman apologized. That's good. Now, Sarah, would you like to apologize for ignoring the hatred of the crowds you so effectively whipped up during the campaign? or for insinuating that our President is a terrorist?

Would you care to apologize to the women in Wasilla who were forced to pay for their own rape kits?

At the very least, could you apologize to that poor turkey whose beheading provided a gruesome backdrop to your peppy interview about pardoning the other turkeys, who I guess must have been Republicans?

No. I didn't think so.

~~~