Texas Opts Out Of U.S. Postal Service

(you're my man, kinky ... unless somebody sends $12.6 million to kick off my own campaign)

Breaking News ...

Governor Rick "Yee Haw" Perry has just announced that the state of Texas is opting out of the U.S. Postal Service.

"The last thing we need is more government intervention," Perry exclaimed to a crowd of bewildered people standing in line at the Frisco post office. "Let's put the free market to work!"

"So where am I supposed to mail this letter?" asked a woman in the crowd.

"Ask yourself a simple question," Perry continued. "Do I really want some government bureaucrat standing between me and my phone bill?"

"Gee. I guess not," said the woman.

Perry ranted on: "Did you know that people in Canada wait in line for weeks, just to get a catalog from L.L. Bean? Did you know that in England, people DIE before they can receive their final notice that the warranty on the car they traded in a year ago is about to expire?? Socialized mail is NOT the answer!!"

"Wow. You're right," said the woman. "I guess instead of mailing it, I'll take this campaign contribution home and put it through my shredder."

"Wait!" yelled Perry. "We're ready to serve the next person in line. Step right up."

~~~

Vacation

(i'm leavin' on a jet plane. me and my psychedelic suitcase.)

Get out some kleenex. Take a seat. I have bad news - I'm leaving tomorrow for a week's vacation. Stop sobbing. It will be fine. Life will carry on without me.

Max Baucus will continue to work on behalf of the big insurance companies. Maybe he will add a provision to his UnitedHealth Prosperity Bill that will add a new surtax for liberal bloggers. Or maybe he will admit that, haha! it was all a big joke, and introduce the REAL bill.

Sarah Palin will work with her editor to finish her book. It's 400 pages long right now, but after they take out any sentences that don't make sense, plus the words "rogue" and "mavericky" it will end up just a tad longer than Curious George And The Puppies, which is much more reasonable for her particular audience.

My supporters will finalize the design for my Lesleymo For Governor campaign buttons and t-shirts. (Official slogan: What The Hell It Can't Get Any Worse) If you haven't sent your check for $12.6 million, why not do it this week? That would make a lovely surprise when I get back home.

~~~

My campaign platform

(canada, here we come!)

I'm sure you all remember my previous announcement about running for Governor of Texas. In fact, you're probably wondering where the t-shirts and campaign buttons are.

First things first. As soon as somebody sends me $12.6 million I will kick my campaign into high gear. In the meantime, I do have a great idea for a campaign platform.

Let's trade places with Canada!

That's right. All the Texans who are up in arms about ObamaCare and WhoKnowsWhatElse should pack their bags and head north. And you Canadians are more than welcome to come on down! Let's trade countries.

Yesterday's post explained the clear advantages of the Canadian health care system. This was reinforced by a nice comment from TC (thanks TC!) who lives in Canada and pays less for supplemental health coverage than I spend on Oak Leaf Merlot, which I buy on a regular basis because I've heard red wine is good for my heart and of course it has the added benefit of helping me forget that I could go broke at any moment if I have a heart attack because the Merlot doesn't do the trick.

Anyway.

My campaign platform is brilliant! Here's why:

1. There are some Texans who want to secede from the United States. Here's your chance!

2. Texans are always complaining about the heat. Problem solved.

3. Canada has about 9 million more people than Texas, but believe me there's plenty of room! In fact, it might spur a nice little housing boom. (Y'all like cows, right? They're a lot like moose, only more edible.)

And 4. I can finally get health care. But I'll probably stick with the Merlot. Just in case.

~~~

Governor LesleyMo - Vote For Me!

(but first, send money)

Exciting news! I have decided to run for Governor of Texas. My official campaign will be launched as soon as I raise $12.6 million.

Here is the transcript from my first unofficial news conference, held today in my overactive imagination:

Q: LesleyMo, why have you decided to run for Governor?

A: Well, I have been watching our current Governor pretty closely. Not to mention the Governor before that, who as we all know went on to become the Assistant To The Vice President for 8 long years. I figure I can do a heck of a better job than either one of them.

Q: What's your beef with Governor Perry? He's pretty popular down here in Texas, you know.

A: Yes. I know. He has quite a knack for rilin' up the base. But let's face it. He is a bumblehead. He threatened to secede from the union because of the big bad government in Washington, and sent back the stimulus money - and then applied for a federal loan because, oops, we needed a little money after all. And NOW he is making headlines spouting off about how the states need to be in control of health care - but HIS state is one of the WORST states in the nation when it comes to health care. Hellooooo ...

Q: What about Kay Bailey Hutchison? Maybe you could just campaign for her.

A: I dunno. She doesn't seem a whole lot better. She voted against the stimulus, and then criticized Perry for not taking the money. She also thinks Health Savings Accounts are a dandy idea. Argh. I'll rant about them another time. I need to design my campaign buttons first.

Q: So, you'll be running as a Democrat?

A: No. I understand that Kinky Friedman might be running. I don't want to bump him out of the race. Texas needs all the kinky people it can get. I'll run as an Independent.

Q: And what's with the $12.6 million? How did you come up with that figure?

A: Well, Kay Bailey Hutchison has $12.5 million in the bank, ready for her campaign. So I figure I'll just need a little more. That, plus the power of my wildly popular and far-reaching blog, plus the headlines I plan to make by giving a resignation speech over and over in red stiletto heels directly in front of a turkey beheading before I am even elected, and I will be a shoo-in! There's no stopping me! Send in your donations today.

Oh, and here is my official campaign slogan. Pass the word!

LesleyMo For Governor: Let's mess with Texas.

~~~