Texas Opts Out Of U.S. Postal Service

(you're my man, kinky ... unless somebody sends $12.6 million to kick off my own campaign)

Breaking News ...

Governor Rick "Yee Haw" Perry has just announced that the state of Texas is opting out of the U.S. Postal Service.

"The last thing we need is more government intervention," Perry exclaimed to a crowd of bewildered people standing in line at the Frisco post office. "Let's put the free market to work!"

"So where am I supposed to mail this letter?" asked a woman in the crowd.

"Ask yourself a simple question," Perry continued. "Do I really want some government bureaucrat standing between me and my phone bill?"

"Gee. I guess not," said the woman.

Perry ranted on: "Did you know that people in Canada wait in line for weeks, just to get a catalog from L.L. Bean? Did you know that in England, people DIE before they can receive their final notice that the warranty on the car they traded in a year ago is about to expire?? Socialized mail is NOT the answer!!"

"Wow. You're right," said the woman. "I guess instead of mailing it, I'll take this campaign contribution home and put it through my shredder."

"Wait!" yelled Perry. "We're ready to serve the next person in line. Step right up."

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Governor LesleyMo - Vote For Me!

(but first, send money)

Exciting news! I have decided to run for Governor of Texas. My official campaign will be launched as soon as I raise $12.6 million.

Here is the transcript from my first unofficial news conference, held today in my overactive imagination:

Q: LesleyMo, why have you decided to run for Governor?

A: Well, I have been watching our current Governor pretty closely. Not to mention the Governor before that, who as we all know went on to become the Assistant To The Vice President for 8 long years. I figure I can do a heck of a better job than either one of them.

Q: What's your beef with Governor Perry? He's pretty popular down here in Texas, you know.

A: Yes. I know. He has quite a knack for rilin' up the base. But let's face it. He is a bumblehead. He threatened to secede from the union because of the big bad government in Washington, and sent back the stimulus money - and then applied for a federal loan because, oops, we needed a little money after all. And NOW he is making headlines spouting off about how the states need to be in control of health care - but HIS state is one of the WORST states in the nation when it comes to health care. Hellooooo ...

Q: What about Kay Bailey Hutchison? Maybe you could just campaign for her.

A: I dunno. She doesn't seem a whole lot better. She voted against the stimulus, and then criticized Perry for not taking the money. She also thinks Health Savings Accounts are a dandy idea. Argh. I'll rant about them another time. I need to design my campaign buttons first.

Q: So, you'll be running as a Democrat?

A: No. I understand that Kinky Friedman might be running. I don't want to bump him out of the race. Texas needs all the kinky people it can get. I'll run as an Independent.

Q: And what's with the $12.6 million? How did you come up with that figure?

A: Well, Kay Bailey Hutchison has $12.5 million in the bank, ready for her campaign. So I figure I'll just need a little more. That, plus the power of my wildly popular and far-reaching blog, plus the headlines I plan to make by giving a resignation speech over and over in red stiletto heels directly in front of a turkey beheading before I am even elected, and I will be a shoo-in! There's no stopping me! Send in your donations today.

Oh, and here is my official campaign slogan. Pass the word!

LesleyMo For Governor: Let's mess with Texas.

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