Obama Holds Q&A Session With Puppy Bo

(the good ol' days)

Following a successful Q&A session with Republicans and a subsequent session with Democrats that was so boring even MSNBC cut away to talk about Sarah Palin's new hairdo, President Obama spent several hours today talking with the family dog, Bo.

The session was not televised, but I have obtained a top-secret exclusive audio transcript. Let's listen in:

Prez: Hey little buddy, it's good to see a friendly face!

Bo: Not so fast. I've got some tough questions for you. I mean, this year hasn't turned out exactly the way I expected.

Prez: You and me both.

Bo: I thought it would be pretty cool to be the White House Puppy. At first my picture was in the paper all the time, my cute little tricks were on the evening news, we even ran down the hall together, remember that?

Prez: Sure. Look. You're still an important part of the team.

Bo: Yeah, yeah. I'm getting totally overshadowed. I've got no job security whatsoever. I don't even have a decent health care plan. Why can't I see the same doctor as Sasha and Malia? It's just not fair.

Prez: Tell you what. The next time I meet with Republicans, I'll bring you along. When the guy with the orange skin gets up to talk, go for his ankles and bite away.

Bo: Sounds like fun. Come on, let's go to the Rose Garden and pee in the snow. I bet the media won't cut away from that.

~~~

Help Wanted

Help Wanted: Outspoken Spokesperson

Major political party seeking loud, attention-grabbing assistant spokesperson.

Job requirements:
~ Big mouth
~ Good hair
~ Ability to get on cable news on a nightly, if not hourly, basis

Our political party currently has only one spokesperson. He is getting very tired. In fact, he plans to be on five talk shows tomorrow morning, plus the Letterman show on Monday, The Edge of Night on Tuesday and The Price is Right on Wednesday. We hope to hire an assistant spokesperson before he ends up on The Biggest Loser.

Please do NOT apply if you have ever:
~ Cheated on your taxes
~ Cheated on your spouse
~ Signed any type of petition (yes, that includes the "Teachers Suck" petition you signed in 5th grade)
~ Given a sermon
~ Had tea with a domestic terrorist
~ Worked for Goldman Sachs

Southern accent considered a definite minus.

Excellent salary. Save it up. Not to be a Negative Nelly, but at this point it looks like the job may only last until 2012.

~~~

How the Dems can win the war of words

(words? what words?)

By Jove, I've got it!

The right wing has been winning the war of words lately, and it drives me crazy. All they have to do is say ridiculous, inflammatory things (Socialist! Death Squads! Sarah Palin!) and they grab all the headlines.

President Obama's team responds with thoughtful, carefully worded statements that nobody listens to.

So here is my idea:
Nude presidential appearances.

Seriously! What would get more coverage? - a bunch of angry old people protesting health care reform, or Barack appearing au natural in the Rose Garden to reassure everyone that he simply wants to make sure Americans can stay healthy without going broke - ?

He could streak across the lawn of the White House, followed by Robert Gibbs (fully clothed, please) who would explain why the public option is/is not/might be/never was on the table at the moment.

He could play "strip press conference," taking off one article of clothing each time a reporter asked a question.

People would pay attention. After a while, they might even hear what he's saying.

At the very least, the country's mood would improve. Well, mine would anyway.

I think it's worth a try.

~~~

Why I am not President

(ranter-in-chief. pick me! pick me!)

I am highly qualified to be President of the United States.

~ I have a birth certificate, though it is so faded and wrinkled it is nearly impossible to tell if it says "State of Connecticut" or "Republic of Kenya" at the top.

~ I have a college degree and better than a C average, which would put me in the top 3 out of 4 Presidents for the past decade.

~ I have a nice smile and with a little cosmetic surgery, I would look cute and perky on my deliberately blurry campaign posters.

But.

I have a tendency to rant.

So, if somebody like, oh, say, Chuck Grassley, one of three Republicans supposedly working on a bipartisan health reform bill, responded to ridiculous rumors about "Death Panels" by saying that Americans "have every right to fear" the end-of-life counseling provision -

- and if that same person CONTINUED to defend these statements today, saying there is cause for "legitimate concern" -

- and if he had also VOTED FOR THE SAME TYPE OF PROVISION IN THE 2003 MEDICARE DRUG BILL -

I WOULD BE SCREAMING AT HIM IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS!!!!

My blood pressure would be through the roof, which I can't really afford because clearly I will never be able to purchase affordable health insurance except possibly through some dumb co-op which will probably give me a toaster for taking out a completely inadequate policy.

Anyway. Here is how President Obama responded:

"When I have people who just a couple of years ago thought this was a good idea now getting on television suggesting that it’s a plot against grandma or to sneak euthanasia into our health care system, that feels dishonest to me.”

I'm glad that he is President. I just wish he would appoint someone to rant on his behalf. Hmm ... maybe I will send in a resume.

~~~

Read more: http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0809/26149.html#ixzz0OLa8KYRF

War of Words

(that's good. don't smile. how about a little scowl?)

Quick, what's the first thing you think of if I say the name John Kerry? Flip-flop, right?

This, in a nutshell, is the Democrats' biggest problem. They do not know how to use their words.

Oh sure, President Obama is a wonderful orator. But more and more, I am thinking that he needs to take a lesson from the Republicans.


~ Obama says: "The economy is stabilizing. Now we need to recapture the spirit of innovation that has kept America moving forward."

~ Republicans say: "Socialist. Socialist. SOCIALIST. FASCIST! SOCIALIST!!"

~ Obama says: "We must do the hard work necessary to seize this unprecedented opportunity for the future of our economy and the health of our families."

~ Republicans say: "THE GOVERNMENT WILL SEND A DEATH SQUAD TO YOUR DOOR THE MOMENT YOU TURN 65."

~ Obama says: "We have chosen hope over fear, and unity of purpose over conflict and discord."

~ Republicans say: "Was he REALLY born in the United States? I don't know. I suppose it's possible. ANYTHING is possible!"


Come on, Prez! You need to hire a gutsy little copywriter! Who will work for very little money if you put her on television from time to time! And maybe promote her blog as well!

Here are a few little tips:

First, you need to USE MORE CAPITAL LETTERS!!

Also, be sure to add lots of EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! AND DRAMATIC WORDS!!!

Finally, put each of your phony but very exciting points into an email, and send it to my friend Sammy. She will immediately forward it to everyone on the Internet.

Now, here are some catchy tag lines. Free of charge. Try them out! Let's see if we can beat them at their own game.

"Health insurance companies are secretly taking over your computers FOREVER AND IMPLANTING RADIOACTIVE TRACKING DEVICES IN YOUR BRAIN!!!"

"The Republicans want the economy to SHRINK!! They plan to DESTROY the government so THEY CAN RULE THE WORLD FROM THEIR SECRET BUNKERS!!!"

"Is Rush Limbaugh secretly an intelligent, fair-minded, compassionate Democrat? I don't know. I suppose it's possible. ANYTHING is possible."

~~~

Conspiracy theory

Here's a brilliant conspiracy theory that was recently uncovered by an anonymous but brilliant blogger from Frisco Texas whose turn it is to talk:

The Republicans lost the 2008 presidential election on purpose.

How do I know this? Here is my theory:

First, they knew we were in trouble. The economy was plummeting, the Iraq War was hopeless, and massive reform was clearly needed in health care, education, energy, Social Security, and Medicare. Not to mention personal hygiene. And don't even get me started on our nationwide lack of basic spelling skills. NOBODY knows when to use "its" versus "it's." Even professional journalists like the people responsible for the crawl on CNN, which has spelling errors approximately every fourth word.

Second, they knew that nobody really had solutions for these problems. I mean, if journalists don't know when an apostrophe is needed, how are the rest of us supposed to figure it out???

And third, they realized that as the losers, they would be in the perfect position. They can now sit back, criticize every move Obama makes, predict the end of the world as we know it, and vote "no" over and over again.

Do we need an apostrophe? "No!"

Could we please have an apostrophe if it might bring back my 401(k)? "No!!!"

Well what if we added some apostrophes in key places to try to get things turned around?
"No!!!!!!! In fact, if you give me an apostrophe I will refuse to take it, even though it could help the unemployed pronouns in my own state."

The thing is, some of us watch punctuation pretty closely. We know!! All those exclamation points!! Are supposed!! To make us forget!! How we got here!! In the first place!!

But. It's. Not. Working.

Finding the right words

This is one of those special days. You know those days - when something so momentous happens, you always remember exactly where you were. I will remember sitting here with my laptop, struggling to come up with the right words to describe it.

I will remember feeling hopeful.
I will remember feeling amazed.

Barack Obama. Who would have thought?

Not that long ago, he was called a friend of terrorists. He was called a black radical, a secret Muslim, a non-citizen, an ultra-liberal, a hater of America.

These words didn't phase him. Why? Because this is a man who defines his life by words of his own.

When people questioned his friendships, his character, his experience and his beliefs, he didn't retaliate. He talked. He used words like "hope" ... "unity" ... "service" ... "ideals." He urged us all to examine what we were really saying, and to be careful with the words we choose, knowing that our words shape our actions and define our character.

It would be easy for a man like this to maintain a limited viewpoint, based on his eloquent ideas and nothing else. But Obama is not only a man who talks. He is a man who listens.

He has already started to assemble his team, representing a variety of viewpoints, backgrounds and political affiliations. He invites input from people who disagree with him. He asks for ideas from ordinary Americans.

I know he is not the Messiah. Come on, we all know that.
I know he is not perfect.
But I know that he values the power of words, and I believe that his words will shape this country in positive ways for at least four years to come.

Some of my friends and family members are feeling anxious and resentful and skeptical right now. If those are the words you are using to define this day, I would challenge you to look for other words.

There are lots of good words to choose from.

Need some ideas? Talk to children who have new ways of imagining their future. Look at the faces of your fellow Americans who are seeing new possibilities. Hear the heart of a President who has a new vision for this rowdy, divided, fiercely independent country of ours.

Listen closely. The right words will come.