Conspiracy Theory

(who IS this person, and how did he get in the white house?)

You've heard about the Salahi's, I'm sure. They're the couple who crashed the White House dinner party.

How did they get in? Who knows? Who cares? I have a bigger question ...

Who is this Barack Obama look-alike who is apparently now in charge???

I didn't vote for this guy.

I voted for a guy who cared deeply about the middle class. Who really wanted health reform. And most importantly to me - who knew what to say and how to say it.

The Republican party has no problem getting their message across. In fact, they are geniuses when it comes to message control. They can take the simple issue of providing health care to millions of Americans and turn it into a raging, ugly argument that invokes comparisons to Nazi death camps.

They can take Americans who rightfully feel angry and betrayed by the evaporation of their net worth during a financial meltdown that occurred during a Republican administration - and turn that anger against the current President as he tries to fix the mess left behind.

They can muster up little slogans left and right to get their message across. Death panels. Socialist. Flip Flop. Guantanamo North. Hear my voice or hear my gun. Don't mess with our constitution. Keep your Socialist hands off my government-provided health care.

Damn. They've got some good copywriters on their side.

And what is our eloquent President saying in response? Not much.

He hasn't fought back. He hasn't explained his decisions. He hasn't defended his judgment or fought for his priorities.

So here's my theory:

Either (a) the real Barack Obama has run far far away, which I could totally understand, and is now being played by some other guy, like in the movie Dave where Kevin Kline takes over as president and actually does a better job, which unfortunately is not the case here.

Or (b) Barack hasn't run away, but his speechwriters have, in which case he really needs to give me a call because I know for a fact that I could do a better job than whoever is telling him what to say right now. (call me, Prez! I'm here for ya.)

Or maybe (c) President Obama has good reasons for doing what he is doing, really he does, but he thought it would be special and festive to wait until Christmas morning to tell us what those reasons are, at which point the sun will come out, the birdies will begin to sing, and bells will chime out across the land.

Wouldn't that be nice?

~~~

Republican Has Flu Shot ... Now He Can Only Say "Yes"

(don't do it! i'm warning you!)

News Flash:
Swine Flu Vaccine Has Surprising Side Effects

In a very disturbing development, a prominent Republican recently developed a serious side effect from the H1N1 flu shot, which as we all know is a dastardly Fascist-Socialist-Government plot to infect the entire population with cancer. (read the startling details here)

Or to plan an identity chip into our bodies. (honest to God)

Or to take over our minds, which many of us seem to have lost lately.

Or something.

Anyway. The side effect for this poor unfortunate Republican? Tragically, the only word he can say is "Yes."

Here is an interview which I recently conducted with him. We'll call him R.

~~~

Me: Well. This seems to be a very serious and tragic situation. Dastardly, even.

R: Yes.

Me: You say you had the Swine Flu vaccine, and 10 days later you woke up and all you could say was ...

R: Yes.

Me: And you blame this on the Obama administration?

R: Yes!

Me: Because they are encouraging people to get vaccinated, pretending that it's "only" a vaccine that will "only" protect people, particularly children?

R: Yes!!!

Me: So, let me ask you: Are the Republicans using this as another fear tactic, implying that a simple vaccine might be a government plot?

R: rrr-aghhhh -nnnyy - yes.

Me: I thought so. And did the vaccine, in fact, protect you from the Swine Flu?

R: nnn-yy-yes.

Me: Did your Fascist-Socialist-Government-provided health insurance pay for this flu shot?

R: y-y-yes.

Me: Wouldn't it be nice if everyone had Fascist-Socialist-Government-provided health insurance?

R: (rips off his microphone and walks away)

Me: Wait! I had lots more questions! Are you still taking money from the health insurance industry? Do you like my hair? Is my blog the best in the world?

... stay tuned. I'll try to get him back for a follow-up interview. I'd love to hear what he thinks about global warming!

~~~

Conspiracy Theory

(yes we did. is that good or bad?)

~ Date: July 2008

~ Location: Secret Bunker

~ Participants: Anonymous, high-ranking government officials. Let's randomly call them GWB, DC, and Whoever Was In Charge Of The Republican Party At That Point (Probably Rush Limbaugh, but we'll go with RP).

DC: Thanks for coming, W.

GWB: No problem. You know I'm always at your service. Hey, could you read this book to me? It's my favorite.

DC: Not again. You know the caterpillar comes out just fine in the end.

GWB: Pleeeease? Just once?

DC: After we have a little talk. This is important. Focus. RP has some information.

RP: Things are not going well for McCain.

GWB: What do you mean? I thought the polls were pretty close so far.

RP: Exactly. He could actually win. This is not good.

GWB: Don't we WANT him to win??

RP and DC: NO!!!!

RP: He has to lose. It's our only hope. The economy is sinking like a rock. The housing market is a mess. We haven't done a thing about health care. Not to mention the auto industry, the wars, unemployment, Social Security, Medicare, gitmo -

DC: Stop crying, W.

RP: We have a plan. We lose this election. We get Obama in the White House. The poor sap will have no choice. He'll have to spend money like crazy to try to get out of this whole fiasco. He'll try to get health care reform through. He might even try to close Guantanamo. And all we have to do is sit back and criticize!

DC: It's beautiful! I love it!

RP: We've got the talking points ready. He's a socialist. He's bankrupting the country. He's leaving a legacy of debt for our grandchildren.

DC: I'll go on a speaking tour! He's leaving us vulnerable to attack. Heh heh snarl snarl ...

GWB: But ... but ... how can we make sure McCain loses the election?

RP: We've got that all figured out. Have you ever been to Alaska?

~~~

Conspiracy theory

Here's a brilliant conspiracy theory that was recently uncovered by an anonymous but brilliant blogger from Frisco Texas whose turn it is to talk:

The Republicans lost the 2008 presidential election on purpose.

How do I know this? Here is my theory:

First, they knew we were in trouble. The economy was plummeting, the Iraq War was hopeless, and massive reform was clearly needed in health care, education, energy, Social Security, and Medicare. Not to mention personal hygiene. And don't even get me started on our nationwide lack of basic spelling skills. NOBODY knows when to use "its" versus "it's." Even professional journalists like the people responsible for the crawl on CNN, which has spelling errors approximately every fourth word.

Second, they knew that nobody really had solutions for these problems. I mean, if journalists don't know when an apostrophe is needed, how are the rest of us supposed to figure it out???

And third, they realized that as the losers, they would be in the perfect position. They can now sit back, criticize every move Obama makes, predict the end of the world as we know it, and vote "no" over and over again.

Do we need an apostrophe? "No!"

Could we please have an apostrophe if it might bring back my 401(k)? "No!!!"

Well what if we added some apostrophes in key places to try to get things turned around?
"No!!!!!!! In fact, if you give me an apostrophe I will refuse to take it, even though it could help the unemployed pronouns in my own state."

The thing is, some of us watch punctuation pretty closely. We know!! All those exclamation points!! Are supposed!! To make us forget!! How we got here!! In the first place!!

But. It's. Not. Working.