Hank Paulson Book Tour

(everybody's writing books these days.
and why not? there's so much to write about.)

Hank Paulson is now ready to enlighten us all about the near-collapse of the financial system, with his new book "On The Brink." I kind of wish somebody had pushed him OFF that brink, preferably with cement blocks on his feet. But no, here he is, with a book explaining how difficult those times were for poor Hank.

It was stressful.

He suffered bouts of exhaustion and nausea.

He read Bible verses and prayed for divine assistance.

Barf.

Here is one of my favorite passages, which I swear I did not make up. He's talking about a conversation with Sarah Palin:

"Right away she started calling me Hank... But for some reason, the way she said it over the phone like that, even though we'd never met, rubbed me the wrong way. I'm also not sure she grasped the full dimensions of the situation I had sketched out - or so some of her comments made me think."

And now, guess what? I am totally excited to bring you an exclusive interview! The first stop on Paulson's book tour is this fictitious, amusing and hard-hitting Fox News discussion with fellow author and bewildered pundit ... Sarah Palin! What a coincidence!

Let's listen in...

~~~

Sarah: Good morning Hank! Can I call you Hank?

Hank: No.

S: Thanks! It's such an honor to meet a distinguished American such as yourself on this great American network that has given me an opportunity to rebuke the shameless critics who have nothing better to do than to mock myself, a genuine American hockey mom as you know therefore.

H: Was that a question?

S: Oh! Haha! Yes I do have some questions for you, Hankster. First, where's your bus?

H: It's right outside. It's the one with the sign on the side that says "Back off. I did it to Lehman Brothers, I can do it to you."

S: I understand your faith helped you get through the whole ordeal, HankyPank.

H: Yes. I often turned to God for help.

S: You mean you prayed?

H: No. I called Lloyd Blankfein, the Godly head of Goldman Sachs who wants nothing more than to do God's work. He always had encouraging words for me.

S: Like what, HankityWankity?

H: He would tell me, "Henry" - he calls me Henry like most normal people - "Henry, this will all work out in the end. You know from whence your help cometh and to whence the billions of dollars of taxpayer money needeth to go. Get ye hence and write us a check." So I did.

S: (sniff) Oh, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard! Thank you for your time. Can I call you Hank?

H: No.

S: Thanks Hank! Tune in tomorrow, when I will be giving my punditistic opinion on whatever happens in the meantime. See ya!

~~~

LOL News

(stop! my sides are hurting)

Oh ha ha, tee hee, ho ho! Today's headlines are so funny!

I would be ROFL (that's Rolling On The Floor Laughing for all of my fellow geezers out there) if it wasn't for my bad back which would make it impossible to GBUFTF (Get Back Up From The Floor) which I'm sure y'all can relate to and if not, just wait a few years. Contrary to what you've heard, the back is the first thing to go.

Anyway.

Here is hilarious headline # 1, from Politico.com:

Poll: Fox Most Trusted Name In News

Excerpt: "A Public Policy Polling nationwide survey of 1,151 registered voters Jan. 18-19 found that 49 percent of Americans trusted Fox News, 10 percentage points more than any other network."

Hah. I suspect that either (a) the people they called thought they were talking about Megan Fox, or (b) one out of every two registered voters is a moron, or (c) both of the above.

Here is hilarious headline # 2, loosely translated from Huffington Post:

Henry Paulson Releases Comedy Memoir: I Am A Jerk And You Can, Too

One of my favorite excerpts:
"Paulson ... reveals how his strong faith helped him through the financial crisis. He once came close to violating the precepts of his Christian Scientist faith by taking some pills to help him sleep but said a prayer instead. At the height of the crisis, he describes a conversation with born-again Christian Bush, in which Paulson compared himself to Job."

I would elaborate on this for you, but the steam coming out of my ears is making it difficult to see what I'm typing. Suffice it to say that I have some pills I would love to give him.

And finally, here is hilarious headline # 3, which I totally made up:

State Of The Union Address Cancelled. Obama Is Nowhere To Be Found.

Imaginary but not totally implausible excerpt:
With the country facing multiple challenges, the economy teetering on the brink of a relapse, and bitter partisanship coming from both sides of the aisle, tonight's State of the Union address has been anxiously awaited by the public and the news media. Unfortunately, the podium is empty, the lights are off, and even Joe Wilson has gone home to watch American Idol Dallas Big Hair Auditions.

Robert Gibbs held a short press conference, explaining that the President was last seen speeding away from the White House in a Toyota Camry.

"We are very concerned. Obviously his gas pedal must be stuck," said Gibbs. "I really can't imagine any other explanation. One minute he was watching Gretchen Carlson talking about Exxon Mobil running for President on the Big Brother ticket in 2012, and the next minute he was peeling out of the driveway.

I thought I heard him yell something like 'I'll be right back, everything is fine' though it could have been 'This country is crazy, I'm outta here' ... I'm just not sure."

~~~