Saturday, January 30, 2010

Obama Schools Republicans

(the professor is in. and how.)

Republican Strategy Meeting:

John Boehner: Hey guys, we've invited The Prez to come talk to us at the annual retreat. We're gonna get him on our territory and hit him with some "gotcha" questions. Sucker.

Eric Cantor: Yeah, let's grill the guy. We'll ask him hard-hitting stuff like why is he bankrupting the country with his Bolshevik plots and why doesn't he ever listen to our ideas when we are so eager and willing to work with him.

Boehner: I'll even give him a copy of our Idea Book! That'll make for some great drama!

Cantor: One little thing, though. He wants us to televise it.

Boehner: Perfect! We can work twenty talking points into each question so our message will be loud and clear. He'll be so confused, he won't even know where to begin. Bwa ha ha.


Unfortunately for the Sneering Clueless Ones With Spray Tans, the meeting didn't turn out quite the way they hoped.

Bwa ha ha indeed.

You rock, Barack.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Hank Paulson Book Tour

(everybody's writing books these days.
and why not? there's so much to write about.)

Hank Paulson is now ready to enlighten us all about the near-collapse of the financial system, with his new book "On The Brink." I kind of wish somebody had pushed him OFF that brink, preferably with cement blocks on his feet. But no, here he is, with a book explaining how difficult those times were for poor Hank.

It was stressful.

He suffered bouts of exhaustion and nausea.

He read Bible verses and prayed for divine assistance.


Here is one of my favorite passages, which I swear I did not make up. He's talking about a conversation with Sarah Palin:

"Right away she started calling me Hank... But for some reason, the way she said it over the phone like that, even though we'd never met, rubbed me the wrong way. I'm also not sure she grasped the full dimensions of the situation I had sketched out - or so some of her comments made me think."

And now, guess what? I am totally excited to bring you an exclusive interview! The first stop on Paulson's book tour is this fictitious, amusing and hard-hitting Fox News discussion with fellow author and bewildered pundit ... Sarah Palin! What a coincidence!

Let's listen in...


Sarah: Good morning Hank! Can I call you Hank?

Hank: No.

S: Thanks! It's such an honor to meet a distinguished American such as yourself on this great American network that has given me an opportunity to rebuke the shameless critics who have nothing better to do than to mock myself, a genuine American hockey mom as you know therefore.

H: Was that a question?

S: Oh! Haha! Yes I do have some questions for you, Hankster. First, where's your bus?

H: It's right outside. It's the one with the sign on the side that says "Back off. I did it to Lehman Brothers, I can do it to you."

S: I understand your faith helped you get through the whole ordeal, HankyPank.

H: Yes. I often turned to God for help.

S: You mean you prayed?

H: No. I called Lloyd Blankfein, the Godly head of Goldman Sachs who wants nothing more than to do God's work. He always had encouraging words for me.

S: Like what, HankityWankity?

H: He would tell me, "Henry" - he calls me Henry like most normal people - "Henry, this will all work out in the end. You know from whence your help cometh and to whence the billions of dollars of taxpayer money needeth to go. Get ye hence and write us a check." So I did.

S: (sniff) Oh, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard! Thank you for your time. Can I call you Hank?

H: No.

S: Thanks Hank! Tune in tomorrow, when I will be giving my punditistic opinion on whatever happens in the meantime. See ya!


Thursday, January 28, 2010

State of the Union Re BUTTal

(nice hair, dude.)

Good evening. I'm Bob McDonnell. I was just sworn in as Governor of Virginia 20 minutes ago, and look at all these fans I already have! Good gosh golly.

Why, there's an African-American lady standing right behind me. And an Asian dude over to the side. Not to mention this military man and the wholesome white chick. Welcome, cross-section of America! You may thunderously applaud now.

It's not easy to follow the President of the United States. Especially when he just talked about all the points I was going to cover. I had this big long ol' speech about creating jobs and cutting back on spending and becoming energy independent, but he went and stole my thunder. Dang.

President Obama had the audacity to talk about the American spirit and our national pride.

He insisted, "I do not accept second place for the United States of America."

He asked, "How long should America put its future on hold?"

He made it nearly impossible for my Republican colleagues to remain in their seats with contemptuous sneers on their faces.

So in conclusion, now that I really have nothing new to say, let me conclude with this thought:

"Tort reform, tort reform, tort reform."

God bless y'all, check me out on Facebook and Twitter, and take a look at my Flickr collection too, heh heh, Scott Brown eat your heart out.


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

LOL News

(stop! my sides are hurting)

Oh ha ha, tee hee, ho ho! Today's headlines are so funny!

I would be ROFL (that's Rolling On The Floor Laughing for all of my fellow geezers out there) if it wasn't for my bad back which would make it impossible to GBUFTF (Get Back Up From The Floor) which I'm sure y'all can relate to and if not, just wait a few years. Contrary to what you've heard, the back is the first thing to go.


Here is hilarious headline # 1, from

Poll: Fox Most Trusted Name In News

Excerpt: "A Public Policy Polling nationwide survey of 1,151 registered voters Jan. 18-19 found that 49 percent of Americans trusted Fox News, 10 percentage points more than any other network."

Hah. I suspect that either (a) the people they called thought they were talking about Megan Fox, or (b) one out of every two registered voters is a moron, or (c) both of the above.

Here is hilarious headline # 2, loosely translated from Huffington Post:

Henry Paulson Releases Comedy Memoir: I Am A Jerk And You Can, Too

One of my favorite excerpts:
"Paulson ... reveals how his strong faith helped him through the financial crisis. He once came close to violating the precepts of his Christian Scientist faith by taking some pills to help him sleep but said a prayer instead. At the height of the crisis, he describes a conversation with born-again Christian Bush, in which Paulson compared himself to Job."

I would elaborate on this for you, but the steam coming out of my ears is making it difficult to see what I'm typing. Suffice it to say that I have some pills I would love to give him.

And finally, here is hilarious headline # 3, which I totally made up:

State Of The Union Address Cancelled. Obama Is Nowhere To Be Found.

Imaginary but not totally implausible excerpt:
With the country facing multiple challenges, the economy teetering on the brink of a relapse, and bitter partisanship coming from both sides of the aisle, tonight's State of the Union address has been anxiously awaited by the public and the news media. Unfortunately, the podium is empty, the lights are off, and even Joe Wilson has gone home to watch American Idol Dallas Big Hair Auditions.

Robert Gibbs held a short press conference, explaining that the President was last seen speeding away from the White House in a Toyota Camry.

"We are very concerned. Obviously his gas pedal must be stuck," said Gibbs. "I really can't imagine any other explanation. One minute he was watching Gretchen Carlson talking about Exxon Mobil running for President on the Big Brother ticket in 2012, and the next minute he was peeling out of the driveway.

I thought I heard him yell something like 'I'll be right back, everything is fine' though it could have been 'This country is crazy, I'm outta here' ... I'm just not sure."


Sunday, January 24, 2010

Hello, my name is Corporate Corporation

(did you say something? speak up, i can't hear you)

Oh my gosh, I have SO much to rant about these days!

The Supreme Court has said that corporations are people with all the same rights as you and me but way more money to produce stupid political commercials. So I need to figure out a couple of things.

Like, if a corporation comes to my door selling Palin For President Girl Scout Cookies am I allowed to swear at them, even if it makes them cry? Or if a corporation invites me over for dinner and then wants me to watch The Obama Deception Full Screen Surround Sound Blu Ray Extended Version with them should I put my fingers in my ears and go "la la la" for three hours?

I could just go home, of course. But the only thing playing on my TV will be The Obama Omen, The Devil's Advobamacate, and old reruns of John Kerry: The Flip Flop Chronicles.

So if I shoot the corporation instead, would I be put in jail? Cuz after all, corporations can deny my health care or pollute my water or convince my teenagers to smoke or collapse the entire economy and nobody puts them in jail.

It's all so confusing.

Meanwhile, as our friendly corporations meet at the country club and smoke cigars, there are some movements afoot to try to get our puny little insignificant people-ish voices heard.

Here are some websites you might want to check out. If you know of any others, let me know and I'll add them to my list! - by the fabulous Alan Grayson, who rants even better than me
Corporations are NOT the People - A fax petition that probably won't do any good but might make you feel better
Impeach the Supreme Court Five - ditto


Friday, January 22, 2010

I had a dream. Not any more.

(stop smiling. y'all just destroyed the country.)

I had a dream that one day this nation would wake up and realize how far we have strayed from our own ideals. Freedom. Equality. Open arms that welcome people who don't look like us, or speak like us. Open minds that are willing to listen to other points of view.

I had a dream that one day the people would take the power back from corporate interests and lobbyists and Washington insider politics.

I had a dream that my voice would count.

That dream is over.

Yesterday, our conservative Supreme Court ruled 5 to 4, along party lines, that corporations are free to spend unlimited funds on political campaigns.

Unlimited funds. Think about that.

The original lawsuit was filed by Citizens United. Kind of an ironic name, I think.

This is the group responsible for the famous Swift Boat attack ads that destroyed John Kerry's campaign. They launched a smear campaign against Hilary Clinton. The founder spearheaded the "vast right-wing conspiracy" Hilary complained about during the Clinton presidency, relentlessly pursuing stories, rumors, and outright lies about Whitewater.

Citizens United has this heart-warming mission statement on their website:

Citizens United is an organization dedicated to restoring our government to citizens' control. Through a combination of education, advocacy, and grass roots organization, Citizens United seeks to reassert the traditional American values of limited government, freedom of enterprise, strong families, and national sovereignty and security. Citizens United's goal is to restore the founding fathers' vision of a free nation, guided by the honesty, common sense, and good will of its citizens.

Unfortunately, the exact opposite is true. If WalMart and Bank of America can spend unlimited funds backing the candidates of their choice, then our voices have just been drowned out. Completely.

Am I exaggerating? I don't think so.

Over the past couple of years, I have learned four things:

1. The American people tend to believe the loudest voices. We've seen that over and over. The truth doesn't matter. Most people won't bother to look for it.

2. The radical, far-right wing has the loudest voices. President Obama has flat-out lost the message war.

3. Big corporations, who will soon be behind all of our political messaging, are not guided by honesty, common sense, or good will. They are guided by profits. Period.

And 4. No offense, but the American people are morons. If they see an ad, hear a slogan, read an email, watch Fox News - then that's what they believe. End of story.

End of dream.

Citizens United does not speak for me. They never will. They have a right-wing corporate-sponsored mission, dedicated to keeping the power in the hands of the wealthy. And the Supreme Court ruled in their favor.

The dream is over, my friends. The nightmare is just beginning.


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

oh shit

(i guess martha coakley should have done a centerfold. it worked for brown.)

He did it. Scott Brown, the centerfold Hunk Of The Year truck-driving Republican took over Ted Kennedy's Senate seat.

How did he win? He had better ads.

He had a catchy slogan. A rugged pick-up truck. He even had a TV ad using Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy! What the heck?

Coakley used snarky, negative ads, and made the unforgivable mistake of calling Curt Shilling, a Red Sox pitcher who was campaigning for Brown, a Yankees fan.

Again, the Democrats get an F when it comes to messaging.

What does this mean for health care? I dunno.

Ironically, Brown voted for health reform in Massachusetts, implementing a system that is very very similar to the current Senate proposal. Now he's speaking out against national reform, calling it a "one size fits all" solution. If what you did was so great, Mr. Brown, why wouldn't you want it for the rest of us?

Most importantly, what does this mean for Obama? I hate to say it, but I think he's done.

The right is louder, more unified, more organized, and more vocal. It doesn't matter if their message makes no sense. It doesn't even matter if it's an outright lie. They turn it into a cute little bumper sticker-ish saying, or an eloquent impassioned email, and they get the message out. Over and over.

The right is also more determined to push through their agenda. Not some fuzzy-wuzzy bipartisan let's-all-get-along agenda. Their agenda. Obama was elected to stand up to the banks, the Wall Street fat cats, and the health insurance companies.

He doesn't seem to be standing up to anybody. And he won't tell us why we should still stand behind him.

Either the left is going to learn how to play this message game, or the game is over.

I'll say it again, Barack - give me a call! You guy seriously need a good copywriter.



Tuesday, January 19, 2010

What's wrong with Massachusettsians?

(hey doc, my heart starts pounding whenever i watch the news. what should i do?)

Oh, the drama! Oh, the angst! The health care broohaha is keeping me on the edge. In fact, my primary care physician, the self-serve blood pressure machine at WalMart, has given me a stern warning to consult a real physician if my readings continue to rise. Then it printed out an advertisement for Lipitor and a coupon for $1 off a bag of dog food. Which is what I will end up eating if I start doing silly things like consulting real physicians.


Today will be another exciting episode in ... (dramatic soap opera music) ... The Edge Of Health Reform. Will Massachusetts vote for a Democrat (Coakley) to fill Ted Kennedy's Senate seat? Or will it be an upset by the Republican (Brown) who is suddenly, dramatically leading in the polls?

Here's my prediction: Brown will win.

And here's why: Massachusetts health care sucks.

As you may know, Massachusetts passed health reform several years ago. They call it RomneyCare, because Mitt Romney was Governor at the time. Yes, a Republican came up with this brilliant plan.

RomneyCare mandates that everyone must buy insurance or pay a fine. It provides subsidies for lower-income people. It specifies minimum standards for policies. But oopsie, it forgot to include cost controls, so Massachusettsians are now burdened with some of the highest medical and insurance costs in the country.

This all sounds familiar. Where have we heard these ideas before? Hmm...

Today's vote will be an indication of how people feel about ObamaCare. It will be a clear message, sent by people who know exactly what it's like to choose between Lipitor and dog food.

Don't get me wrong. The message is not "keep your hands off my health care." The message is "get this right." Stop compromising away all of the reform ideas that will make a real difference. Make the insurance companies cut costs and compete in a meaningful way, or get rid of them altogether. Give us health CARE, not health insurance.

I hope somebody in Washington will be listening.


Friday, January 15, 2010

Financial Crisis Commission Quotes

(lloyd blankfein, left - jamie dimon, right
"whew, glad that's over. wanna go for a ride in my
gold-plated jet?")

Two days ago, the new Financial Crisis Commission held its first hearings. The Commission questioned the CEOs of Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan Chase, Morgan Stanley and Bank of America.

Have these men learned any lessons from the financial meltdown?

Looking back, do they have any regrets about recklessly gambling with billions of dollars, selling investors packages of garbage disguised as gold while simultaneously betting AGAINST the very same gold-plated garbage, decimating the financial status of millions of Americans, happily accepting taxpayer bailouts and siphoning off huge profits every step of the way?

Let's listen in ... (my comments are in red) ...

Jamie Dimon (JP Morgan): "Let me be clear: no institution, including our own, should be too big to fail ... the solution is not to cap the size of financial firms."
So, let me be clear. Financial firms should not be too big. But don't make them smaller either. Gotcha.

John Mack (Morgan Stanley): "We did eat our own cooking, and we choked on it."
No Mr. Mack, WE choked on your cooking. You are still eating caviar.

LLoyd Blankfein (Goldman Sachs): Goldman "got caught up in and participated in and therefore contributed to elements of froth in the market."
Froth? Excuse me? Froth in the market? Don't you mean fraud??

Lloyd Blankfein (Goldman Sachs): "How would you look at the risk of a hurricane? The season after we had four hurricanes on the east coast, which was actually extraordinary versus the year before, rates got very low ... that year after 4 hurricanes ... rates went up spectacularly ... is the risk of hurricanes any different of those times?"
Hey Lloyd, is this what you meant a few months ago when you said you were "doing God's work" at Goldman Sachs? You were creating hurricanes? I guess maybe you were right after all.

... and my personal favorite ...

Jamie Dimon (JP Morgan): "It's not a surprise that we know we have crises every 5 - 10 years. My daughter called me from school one day and said 'Dad what's a financial crisis' and without trying to be funny, I said 'It's the kind of thing that happens every 5 - 7 years.' And she said, 'Then why is everybody so surprised?'"

... sigh ...


Thursday, January 14, 2010

Seriously ...

(you got that right)

I'm sure you have heard about the devastating earthquake in Haiti. The damage to this impoverished country is staggering. Tens of thousands of people are dead. Millions are homeless. Every hospital in the country has been damaged or destroyed.

President Obama responded quickly, promising a strong, coordinated response.

Rush Limbaugh also responded quickly. Here's what he had to say:

"This will play right into Obama's hands. Humanitarian, compassionate ... they'll use this to burnish their, shall we say 'credibility' with the black community - in both the light-skinned and dark-skinned black community in this country. It's made to order for them. That's why he couldn't wait to get out there."

This is despicable. Inexcusable. And completely typical. Mr.Big Fat Idiot, like so many other people on the national stage, is obviously more interested in generating buzz than in responding with any type of authentic, human feeling.

It doesn't matter if it's an earthquake in Haiti or a flood in Louisiana or the debate over health reform. The human consequences don't matter. The truth doesn't matter. The role of our country in the world doesn't matter. All that matters to Mr. BFI and his cohorts, is that they get their faces and their hateful, ignorant words on the news.

It worked, BFI.

We heard you. Some of us cringed at your insensitivity and shook our heads at your stupidity. Others, unfortunately, nodded their heads in agreement and scoffed at the idea of an effective, necessary and compassionate response from a president who clearly is "not us."

He's part of the "black community" - not our community. Right? Just like the suffering people in Haiti. So who cares?

You got your face on the news, interspersed between footage of people trapped in the rubble.

You made your point, whether you really believe your own words or not. And I don't think you do. I think you choose your words to make an impact. Period. Just like Sarah Palin with her "death panels" or Glenn Back with his nutty conspiracy theories or my Senator John Cornyn with the biased, inaccurate emails he's always sending me.

I don't think any of you guys really believe what you're saying. You're just playing a game. And as long as you're in the spotlight, you think you're winning.

Oh well.

You boosted your ratings, Mr. Limbaugh.

I hope you're happy. You big. fat. idiot.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Sarah's Top Ten Questions About Her New Job

(wanna see me count to 2?)

Sarah, I'm so happy for you! And for me! I will never ever run out of blogging material.

In honor of Sarah's new job at Fox News, here are her Top Ten Questions About Being A Pundit:

1. Am I getting paid by the word?

2. Can I call you Bill? and Glenn? and Sean?

3. Does the red light on the camera mean I should stop? Or go? Could you write that down for me?

4. Would you mind calling me POTUS? I don't know what it means exactly, but I like the sound of it.

5. When I go from one show to another, I won't have to take a bus, will I?

6. Do you like my left-eye wink better, or my right-eye wink? Like this? Or this? This one? Or this one?

7. Do I have to give these clothes back?

8. What types of newspapers and magazines do you read every day? Gotcha!!

9. If I resign, do I still get paid?

10. Could somebody answer for me what it is exactly that a pundit does every day? I'm used to being very productive and working real hard on Facebook and Twitter. I want to make sure that the Pundit position will be a fruitful type of position, especially for my net worth and for the money and famousness that I'm trying to accomplish before I become President.

Which, by the way, could somebody answer for me what it is exactly that a President does every day? Take your time, I've got until 2012 to figger that one out.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Ads that make you go "STOP!!!!!!"

In my last couple of posts I have alluded to some ads that are driving me crazy. Have you seen this one?

(any questions? YES i want to know why this ad keeps playing over and over)

How about this one?

(if it's too hot to touch, it's too hot to leave. got it. got it. got it.)

If you have never seen them, you must not live in my viewing area. Because I see them every day, multiple times a day, with different versions playing back to back every frigging time.

I was so annoyed by the ads, I sent a kind and courteous email to, the federal website (Dept of Health & Human Services) which ad# 1 insists we all need to visit to find out what questions we should be asking our doctor.

Here is my email:
"I understand the importance of asking questions. But I don't understand why I have to see your "Ten questions to ask" commercials on television over and over, back to back, all day long. This has to be costing you (i.e. the taxpayers) millions of dollars. Please. Make some new ads, or try some different avenues of communication, or send us all a postcard with the ten questions on it. The commercials are driving us all crazy."

The very next day, I received this response:
"As a federal agency, AHRQ is funded by tax dollars, but the Questions Are the Answers ads are done pro bono by the Ad Council ("

Hmm. Now I was really intrigued. What is this Ad Council, exactly? And why would they spend bazillions of dollar to produce ads and air them over and over and over?

First I looked up "Ad Council" on Wikipedia and discovered that the Council was established in 1942 as the War Advertising Council, a group dedicated to "mobilizing the advertising in support of the war effort." Since the end of WW II they have devoted their efforts to peacetime public service announcement ads which have implanted slogans such as "Friends don't let friends drive drunk" into our brains.

That's all well and good. I imagine their very first ad probably featured President Roosevelt on board an aircraft carrier with a huge "Mission Accomplished" sign in the background. Yay war.

But I'm still wondering ... is there really no taxpayer money involved?

I found this little tidbit on the Ad Council's very own website:
Each Ad Council campaign is sponsored by a non-profit organization or a government agency that provides the production and distribution costs and serves as the "issue expert."

What's that? Hello? Government agencies provide the production and distribution costs?

Then I found this little article from August, 2008:
In an effort to "shape the public attitude toward TSA screening personnel," the Transportation Security Administration is planning to award a sole source $1.3 million contract to the nonprofit organization The Ad Council Inc., to help raise the level of public awareness about security and TSA’s critical role in protecting it.

Hello again? TSA? Government agency? $1.3 million?

So ok, let's assume that I am mistaken or I have forgotten how to read or something. The ads are produced pro bono, with money that appears out of the air. What a heart-warming concept.

In fact, here is a heart-warming account from someone who attended a heart-warming dinner that was recently hosted by the Ad Council:

"This group of advertising and media executives are there to celebrate the great creative work that the Ad Council has produced in the past year... These ad campaigns are produced pro bono by some of the best advertising agencies in the world. This year the media companies donated $1.8 billion in space and time to showcase these commercials.

I spoke to a few people that had never attended this event in the past and they were completely surprised at how proud they were that this organization was inspiring the room and millions of Americans with its great advertising. We all gasped when we heard that 49 million people in this great country go hungry every day. That blew everyone away ...

The evening also raised $2.5 million dollars (another record), which will go a long way to help with the Ad Council's budget."

Hmm. The media companies donated $1.8 billion in space and time. The evening raised $2.5 million. And the Ad Council receives who-knows-how-much-money from Mr. and Mrs. Taxpayer. And you all gasped when you heard that 49 million people go hungry every day?

How many hungry people would $1.8 billion feed? Or $2.5 million? Or even half of that?

Tell ya what. You guys air those annoying ads half as often.

I'll promise to ask my doctor 5 questions instead of 10.

And let's see if we can gasp a little less, and help a little more.

How about it?


Saturday, January 9, 2010

Bumblehead Geniuses of the Week

(duh ... hey ... i have an idea)

This week, our Bumbleheads are all Geniuses! Funny how that happens sometimes.

I found our 3 brilliant idiots in today's headlines. Here are the headlines, along with a brief decription of the bumbleheads:

Headline # 1:
Man Arrested In Newark Airport Security Breach
NEWARK, N.J. – A man believed to have breached security to bid his girlfriend goodbye, triggering the shutdown of a busy Newark Airport terminal that led to snarled flights worldwide, was arrested in New Jersey and faces a trespassing charge and a fine of up to $500.

Ok, so who was this dummy? Who would be stupid enough to slip under a security rope and walk down the terminal with his girlfriend? (I'll ignore the obvious question about the dummies who think a security rope makes us secure in the first place - not to mention the dummies who think $500 is an appropriate punishment)

Was he a teenager? A senile old person like me? An idiot? Not quite. He's a Chinese doctoral student in a joint molecular biosciences program at Rutgers University. A genius. And yet, clearly, a bumblehead.

Moving on ...

Headline # 2:
Supreme Court Ruling Expected To End Limits On Political Contributions From Corporations, Unions
(from Huffington Post/NY Times)
Many legal experts say they expect the court ... to eliminate the remaining restrictions on advertisements for or against candidates paid for by corporations, unions and advocacy organizations.

Come on, genius bumbleheaded black-robed guys and gals. Do the American people really need further proof that our entire political system is owned and operated by corporations? The good news, I suppose, is that non-stop 24/7 political ads just might mean we'll stop seeing those annoying Ten Questions To Ask Your Doctor ads over and over and over and over and over and over. And over.

And last but not least, I'm afraid to say ...

Headline # 3:
Obama Highlights Benefits Of Health Care Bill
WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama, eager to sign a health care overhaul bill into law, on Saturday highlighted some of the changes that would come in the first year and permanently ban "the worst practices of the insurance industry."

Sadly, Mr. President, I must include you in my list of bumbleheads this week. In spite of your happy-happy-joy-joy speeches lately, I am not excited in the least about the health care bill. I think it benefits the insurance companies more than anyone else. Certainly more than me.

I am fed up with the whole thing.

And if I hear one more person claim that subsidies will make insurance "affordable" I'm going to scream. I'd rather hear about the ten questions I should ask my doctor. I'm sure the first question is "why is my blood pressure so high?" ... but then, I already know the answer to that one.


Thursday, January 7, 2010

Terrorist Transcript

(underwear is everywhere, especially underneath)

Breaking News! I have obtained a top secret, totally classified, completely made up but not that far from the truth transcript from a recent Al Qaeda meeting.

shhh ... let's listen in ...

Top Terrorist: Gather round, fellow Jihadists! Big news from the Land Of The Great Satan.

Lowly Recruits: What is it??

TT: They have a new leader. And he is no longer using the phrase "War On Terror!" Haha! You know what this means, don't you?

LR: Uh, not really.

TT: They no longer know that we exist! We are invisible to them! Plus, for the past 8 years we were so busy fighting them here, we had no time to take the War On Terror to their soil. But now, we are ready! It's time to strike!

LR: Woo hoo!

TT: We are emboldened!

LR: Oh yeah!

TT: In fact, we have a new plan. First, we have developed some new television ads that will hypnotize the stupid Americans and make them totally powerless against our might. These diabolical ads talk about the 10 questions you need to ask your doctor. We're going to broadcast them over and over, back to back, again and again, until the Americans will do ANYTHING to make them stop.

LR: Boo-ya!

TT: Next, we have developed some new explosives. They will be undetected by the pathetic airport screeners.

LR: Yee-haw!

TT: All you have to do is hide the explosives in these specially designed underpants.

LR: Huh?

TT: Then take a match ...

LR: Uh-oh.

TT: And Ka-Boom! You're on your way to glorious martyrdom. Or a public defender. Either way, you should be fine.

LR: ... gulp ...


Tuesday, January 5, 2010

What took them so long?

(i *heart* credit card reform)

February 22nd is just around the corner! Woo hoo! We're all excited, right?

No, the 22nd is not my birthday. It's the day when the Credit Card Reform Act goes into effect. This is good news! It's a good Act. It's about time.

Here's what the credit card companies can no longer do:

- They cannot increase your interest rate just because you made a late payment to a totally different, unrelated company that has nothing to do with your credit card.

- They cannot charge you interest on a balance that you have already paid off.

- They cannot charge multiple over-limit fees on a single transaction.

- They cannot charge you a fee for making a payment online.

And on and on and on.

My number one question is, why were they allowed to do this stuff in the first place? This is crazy stuff. You pay off a balance, and they charge interest on it anyway? You pay your phone bill late, so they raise the interest rate on your credit card? What the heck?

My number two question is, which of our fine politicians voted against this obviously-much-needed reform bill? Just wondering. So I did a little research.

In the House, the bill passed 357 - 70.
Here's who voted no:
69 Republicans, including Bachmann, Boehner and Cantor
One Democrat, Herseth Sandlin from South Dakota

In the Senate, the bill passed 90 - 5.
Here's who voted no:
4 Republicans including John Thune from South Dakota
One Democrat, Tim Johnson from South Dakota

My third and final question for today is, what's up with South Dakota? Why would all of their politicians be against credit card reform?

Well, if you have a credit card you may have noticed that your payments go to a mailing address in South Dakota. That's because there are no state usury laws in SD, so financial companies based in SD can basically charge you as much as they want.

Hmm. I wonder why the credit card companies would want to be based in that state?

Just think: the Republicans are now arguing that the health insurance companies should have the same freedom to operate across state lines. They make it sound like a good idea. "More competition" - "Open up the marketplace" - "Yada yada yada" ... but the insurance companies clearly would move their headquarters to whatever state has the loosest regulations, and then continue to charge as much as they want.


My dream is that one day we will all look back at the ridiculous arguments going on about health reform. We will have a clear picture of the abuses the insurance companies have gotten away with for years and years. We will appreciate the new protections set up by our fine, upstanding politicians.

And we will wonder - "What took them so long?"


Sunday, January 3, 2010

Bumblehead of the Week

(rush limbaugh - bumblehead of every week)

Rush was rushed to the hospital last week! Goodness! I'm sure you have all been on pins and needles, wondering how he's going.

Fortunately, the big fella is just fine. His chest pains were apparently caused by a vacant spot in his chest that would normally be occupied by a heart. Kind of similar to those headaches he often gets, if you know what I mean.


Rush is now home and doing great. Here's what he had to say about the experience:

"The treatment I received here was the best that the world has to offer,” Limbaugh said. “Based on what happened here to me, I don't think there's one thing wrong with the American health care system. It is working just fine, just dandy."

No kidding, Brainless One. You're a wealthy, famous American with, I'm sure, ample health insurance. Of course your treatment was "just dandy."


In a somewhat related story, a friend of mine who is totally not a bumblehead recently posted some pictures of her new grandbaby on Facebook. One of the photos showed the hospital lobby. It looks just fine, just dandy. But it struck me a little odd ...

... tell me, do we perhaps, slightly, maybe have our priorities a little out of whack in this country, when hospital lobbies look like luxurious 5-star hotels but middle class people go bankrupt every day from medical expenses? Hmmm?

Is our system really the best the world has to offer?
Are we doing fine?


My Predictions For 2010

(hey, who cracked my crystal ball?)

Oh magical crystal ball, what might possibly be in store for us in 2010? Here are my predictions:

1. Health reform will pass, with or without actual reform, the insurance companies will raise their rates like crazy, and Joe Lieberman will say "I told you so."

2. There will be another terrorist attempt somewhere in the U.S., and Dick Cheney will say "I told you so."

3. Global warming will be confirmed, though the source of the warming will be traced to all the hot air coming out of cable news channels. Al Gore will say "I told you so."

4. Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin will have a knock-down-drag-out custody fight, fully publicized on all the news channels for months on end, later to be turned into a made-for-HBO movie starring the entire Palin family as themselves, which will quickly morph into a frighteningly popular reality show called DisFunky DisFunktional Family Belongs In Da White House, which God forbid just might become real reality in 2012 if the Obama administration doesn't get its act together.

At that point, Sarah Palin will post her shortest Facebook memo ever: "I told you so."