Friday, October 21, 2011

We Are The 1%: Part Six

(John Boehner, Speaker of the House. Ya think you could fit a few more flags behind you?)

I've been working since I was 8 years old, when I learned to mix drinks at the family bar. That explains a lot.

I cry like a baby whenever people mention taxes, or if my golf game gets rained out. That makes me a compassionate conservative.

I have never in my life had to worry about health care, the price of food, or how to fund my retirement. That makes me smarter than you.

I am the 1%. And proud of it.


Thursday, October 20, 2011

We Are The 1%: Part Five

(Bill O'Reilly, smug Fox News host who has smirked for so long, his lips are permanently fused together. i wish.)

I am 62 years old.

I've worked since I was 6 months old.

It's no wonder I'm so cranky.

If you're unemployed, that's your own dang fault. Get a college degree, get a job, and become a millionaire like me. What's so hard about that?

Tune in tomorrow night, when I will say exactly the same thing again. But with a different tie.

Of course, if Obama raises my taxes to 99%, which he might, I will not be here tomorrow night.


I am the 1%.


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

We Are The 1%: Part Four

(Mitt Romney, Republican candidate for president who made much of his fortune by arranging leveraged buyouts which often involved laying off shmucks who now mooch off the government because, hello, they have no jobs)

I'm unemployed, my friend.

Just like you.

Well, except for the $200 million which I hold in blind trusts.

I spent my life improving the profitability of corporations. And as we all know, corporations are people. So I spent my life helping people. Kind of.

I spent $45 million of my own money running for president in 2008.
  • That could have paid for a complete course of chemotherapy for more than 10,000 people.
  • It could have put food on the table for more than 11,000 families in the United States for an entire year.
  • It could have paid the health insurance premiums for tens of thousands of Americans who will die this year because they have no access to the "best health care in the world."
Life is not fair. Get over it.

I am the 1%.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

We Are The 1%: Part Three

(John Paulson, hedge fund manager)

- made a fortune by deliberately setting up bundles of crappy mortgages, selling them to unsuspecting investors, and betting against them at the same time.

- way smarter than you.

- did nothing illegal, which is maybe the most amazing part.

- estimated worth: $15.5 billion

- do not deserve to be vilified for my success.

I am the 1%. Deal with it.

Monday, October 17, 2011

We Are The 1%: Part Two

(Herman Cain, Republican candidate for president. And look, he's black!)

I come from humble beginnings. I owned a couple of pizza joints and managed to make a bazillion dollars. Easy peasy. Anybody could do it. Racism never held me back.

If something is holding 99% of the people back, it's the complexity of the world we live in. So let's simplify things.


What does it mean? Nobody knows.
Will it work? Nobody cares.
Listen. It's simple. We can all repeat it over and over.


Stop whining, pathetic losers. Get off the streets, open a pizza joint, and move up in the world.

And in conclusion:

I am the 1%.


Sunday, October 16, 2011

We Are The 1%: Part One

(Stephen Hemsley, CEO of UnitedHealth)

I am 58 years old.

Made nearly $102 million last year, but only $1.3 million of that was salary. Could you live on a measly $1.3 million? Me neither.

If Obama increases my taxes, I may not be able to afford my $37 million corporate jet. I'll need to scrimp in order to pay the property taxes on my $6.6 million home.

Oh wait. What am I thinking? My company has a virtual monopoly in at least 12 states. We'll simply raise the health insurance premiums for all of the little people.

Problem solved.

Quit blaming others.

I am the 1%.