Miss California

(tiara or brain. pick one.)

Miss California blew it. Rule number one in the Beauty Queen Handbook clearly states:

"When asked your opinion on anything, the correct answer is: World Peace."

What was she thinking, bashing gay marriage? Where did she get the nerve to come up with her own opinion? And how could she forget about those nearly-nude photos that have now popped up to embarrass the suddenly-prudish Miss USA Pageant officials, who would never encourage young women to pose or prance around wearing skimpy little outfits and 6-inch heels? At least, not without wearing a tiara at the same time.

I only have 3 things to say:

1. I think the Republicans are happy to have a new spokesperson who is better looking than Joe the Plumber, who I hear is leaving the party anyway. (For details on Joe's thought process, given the generous assumption that he has a thought process, follow this link and scroll down to the section entitled "What Have We Got To Lose?" which I believe at this point is a rhetorical question.)

2. I think the gay marriage debate is a more worthy topic than the silly debate over which type of mustard President Obama prefers. (Get a life, Mr. Hannity)

And 3. I think, whether I agree with Miss California or not, I applaud her willingness to speak her mind and stand up for her convictions. You go, girl.

~~~

Affairs with Oprah

(in politics, as in life, sentence structure is important.)

MSNBC did a story this morning about Elizabeth Edwards' new book. Here is the crawl that appeared at the bottom of the screen:

"Elizabeth Edwards discusses her husband's affair with Oprah."

My first thought - That rat! His wife has cancer and he's having an affair with Oprah??!

My second thought - Oh. She's appearing on Oprah to discuss her husband's affair.

My third thought - He's still a rat.

~~~

I'm a Texan - but only because I live here

(I'm hoping those aren't the only choices.)

I moved to Texas a couple of years ago. It really wasn't my idea. My grandbaby was born here, and I had lost all feeling in my feet from the sub-arctic temperatures in Michigan. So here I am.

Unfortunately, I may not be a Texas resident much longer. Why? Because Texas may not be a state much longer! We are on the verge of becoming our very own country. Imagine that!

In case you haven't heard, Governor Perry has indicated recently that he thinks maybe Texas should secede from the Union. The federal government, according to Perry, "has become oppressive in its size and its interference with the states."

So there ya have it. We're outta here.

I wonder what kind of country Texas will be? ... Let's see ... We currently have:

• The highest utility rates in the country (thanks to deregulation in 2002)
  
• The highest percentage of people with no health insurance
• The most uninsured drivers
• The highest rate of teen pregnancy
• The highest obesity rate in kids

I could go on and on. Clearly Texas has many top rankings. Governor Perry should be proud. I hope that, as President of Texas, he continues the fine work. No oppressive government here. No socialism. No awkward moments like when you rail against "unnecessary spending" and then have to explain the tent city that just cropped up in your state capital. Also no health insurance. But plenty of burritos with extra cheese!

Texas: Too small for a country, too big for an insane asylum.

Conspiracy theory

Here's a brilliant conspiracy theory that was recently uncovered by an anonymous but brilliant blogger from Frisco Texas whose turn it is to talk:

The Republicans lost the 2008 presidential election on purpose.

How do I know this? Here is my theory:

First, they knew we were in trouble. The economy was plummeting, the Iraq War was hopeless, and massive reform was clearly needed in health care, education, energy, Social Security, and Medicare. Not to mention personal hygiene. And don't even get me started on our nationwide lack of basic spelling skills. NOBODY knows when to use "its" versus "it's." Even professional journalists like the people responsible for the crawl on CNN, which has spelling errors approximately every fourth word.

Second, they knew that nobody really had solutions for these problems. I mean, if journalists don't know when an apostrophe is needed, how are the rest of us supposed to figure it out???

And third, they realized that as the losers, they would be in the perfect position. They can now sit back, criticize every move Obama makes, predict the end of the world as we know it, and vote "no" over and over again.

Do we need an apostrophe? "No!"

Could we please have an apostrophe if it might bring back my 401(k)? "No!!!"

Well what if we added some apostrophes in key places to try to get things turned around?
"No!!!!!!! In fact, if you give me an apostrophe I will refuse to take it, even though it could help the unemployed pronouns in my own state."

The thing is, some of us watch punctuation pretty closely. We know!! All those exclamation points!! Are supposed!! To make us forget!! How we got here!! In the first place!!

But. It's. Not. Working.

Seriously good news

Things are looking up!

I am tired of all the doom and gloom in the news lately. So this morning, I opened my newspaper determined to find something good to write about. Surprisingly, it didn't take long!

First, I found an article about Bernie Madoff's wife. Did you know that she withdrew $15 million from their brokerage account just days before he was arrested? What amazingly lucky timing! Good for her.

Then, I found an article about 696 lucky people at Merrill Lynch, who were "secretly and prematurely" awarded $3.6 billion in bonuses just before the firm was acquired by Bank of America. Amazingly lucky timing, once again! Good for them.

I bet you are smiling already. I'm sure you are happy for these lucky, lucky people. I know I am. But wait! There's more!

YOU are also a lucky, lucky person this morning. Congress has reached a compromise on the new stimulus bill, and it includes a generous provision for you. (yes, you!) The "cornerstone" of the bill is a tax credit which will translate into an extra $13 per week in take-home pay for the average worker. That's right, you can look forward to a whopping $13 per week. Good for you.

Ironically, the nickname for this tax credit is "Make Work Pay."

I have a better idea.

Let's go into the wallets of the fat cats who stole our 401(k)'s, our IRA's and our homes, running rackets that were not all that different from Mr. Madoff's ponzi scheme. Let's take back the bonuses they generously awarded themselves. Let's uncover the fraud that was perpetrated on the American people. Let's put some people in jail.

Let's make them pay. THAT would be good news.

Just calm down, people

Last year, Americans were scared. Why? This picture says it all.









Ok! Ok! We're terrified, already.

But this year, the new buzzword isn't "scared." It's "outraged." Why are we outraged? I can give you billions of reasons. The interesting thing is, our outrage is directed at all kinds of different people.

Some of us are outraged at the person pictured above. Some are outraged at Barney Frank and Christopher Dodd. Others are outraged at Barack Obama.

Lots of people make lots of money by telling us we should be outraged. Rush Limbaugh is a master at this. So is Chris Matthews. And Jim Kramer. And Sean Hannity. And Keith Olbermann. Pass around the Prozac.

What we really need to do, is to forgive and forget. Mostly forget.

Let's take a lesson from Sarah Palin. Not that long ago, she was outraged (OUTRAGED!) about Barack Obama's nefarious past. Who could forget those stirring speeches about pallin' around with terrorists? Where is Ms. Palin this weekend? Pallin' around with Barack at a swanky DC party. Hm.

And listen. Some of you are outraged (OUTRAGED!) about the $18.4 billion that was recently doled out in Wall Street bonuses. Now, sure, that was technically your money. But you need to look at the big picture. Take a lesson from Rudy Guiliani.

Mr. Guiliani has come to the defense of the generously-compensated folks on Wall Street, explaining that their bonuses help support restaurants and other businesses in New York City.

Of course! What were we thinking? All of you waiters out there who are slaving away for less than minimum wage should be ashamed of yourselves. Where would you be without those well-padded restaurant patrons who send back their Caesar salads because they specifically asked for three ounces of shredded cheese, not four, you bumble-headed moron?

They left you a fifty cent tip, didn't they?

Just calm down.

Nothing to fear

I don't know about you, but as for me, I'm tired of feeling scared. Or maybe I should say, I'm tired of being told that I should feel scared.

(Yes, uh oh, this is going to be a political post. No more light-hearted banter. I am in a serious mood. If I was any more serious, I would go change out of my pajamas. That's how serious I am.)

"Zo, Mrs. Morrison, ven did these fears begin?"

Well doctor, I think it began around 9/11. That was such a scary day. It was like the rug was pulled out from under all of us. ("what do you MEAN people hate us?? why would they hate us??") After that, we were all a little shaky. So it didn't take much to spook us again.

We quickly directed our fear towards Osama Bin Laden. Soon, we were told that we should widen our sights and start worrying about Saddam Hussein. There were lots of terrifying words thrown around, like "mushroom cloud" and "chemical weapons." Our knees started trembling. Do something! Anything! Shock and Awe! Yes, that's it!

The 2004 election played on our fears perfectly, with catchy campaign slogans like "Vote for me or the terrorists will get you." And recently, it's only gotten worse. The 2008 campaign had catchy slogans of its own, like "Vote for me or a terrorist will be in the White House. Or at least someone who has a name that is vaguely terroristical."

And the economic meltdown! Yikes! We were just starting to feel maybe a little secure, maybe a little un-terrified, when someone who-shall-remain-nameless-but-whose-middle-initial-is-quite-well-known came out of the White House and said "THE ENTIRE GLOBAL ECONOMY IS COLLAPSING!!!" In the ensuing months, we have seen puzzling statistics indicating that Americans are no longer spending money, enjoying vacations or buying McMansions. No duh. SOMEBODY TOLD US THE ENTIRE GLOBAL ECONOMY IS COLLAPSING! We are terrified.

(I do apologize for my serious mood today. Perhaps I pay too much attention to the biased liberal media. I promise my next post will be more fun. Pardon me while I go get some cheetos.)

In the past few weeks, I have to admit my terror has shifted a little. It seems there is a fine line between fear and anger.

I feel fear when I think about the possibility of my husband losing his job, which depends in large part on the auto industry. (I trust that God will provide for us. He always does. And yet, I can't help but wonder how we will find affordable health insurance and whether we will ever get our retirement savings back.)

That fear shifts to anger, however, when I see politicians playing power games instead of truly seeking solutions.

I feel fear when I think about terrorists and the very real fact that there are people out there who hate Americans and who are willing to kill innocent people to make a point.

That fear shifts to anger, however, when I hear a high-ranking official who-shall-remain- nameless-but-who-once-shot-a-friend-in-the-face defend blatant acts of torture, and respond to the concerns of Americans regarding the Iraq war (dare I say it? perhaps we, also, have killed innocent people to make a point) with a shrug of the shoulders. "So?"

"Zo. You are getting agitated. Take another handful of Cheetos."

No, doctor. I'm fine. In fact, I'm feeling a little better. Because I know I'm not the only one who is angry.

I'm not the only one who cast a vote for change.

I'm not the only one who is paying close attention to who says what, and why.

I'm not the only one who is rooting for our country, hoping for better days, and praying that we might all catch a vision of a stronger, kinder and wiser America.

And I have just one message for the politicians, red or blue, who think they have been elected to play the political game, not to serve the little guys who cast those meaningless things called "votes" - and who think the best way to advance their agenda is by yelling "boo" -

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

It's The Economy, Stupid - or - It's Stupid, The Economy - or - The Economy? It's Stupid

Today, we turn our attention to a serious subject: the State of the Economy. I hesitated at first to write about something that might actually be important. I figured there were other writers out there covering the story who were more informed than I. But I was wrong.

I started performing my usual extensive research, looking for news coverage on the subject (google: Economic crisis ... google: Financial meltdown ... google: AGHHHHH) and I quickly realized that there really is no "news coverage" any more. There's just bloggers, like me.

The nice thing about bloggers is, you generally know where they stand within the first few words. Here are a few examples from actual blogs. As Dave Barry would say, I am not making these up.

- Republicans caused this financial crisis ...

- Democrats caused this financial crisis ...

- Greedy lenders are at the root of the financial crisis ...

And even,
- Did your Representative cause the financial crisis? (I didn't read any further, but I suspect the answer is "yes")

And wait! This one is even funnier:
- Did anti-depressants cause the financial crisis? (and if not, can we all have some please?)

It's interesting to see how the bloggers reflect society as a whole. I think if you put us all in a huge metaphorical blender and whirred us around for a minute or two, you would come out with a fairly accurate representation of society as whole. Although of course we would still be wearing pajamas.

The blog headlines do seem to reflect the general tone of the nation, as exemplified so bravely and eloquently by our leaders, George "Can-I-Please-Go-Back-To-Dallas-Now?" Bush, and Hank "Good-Lord-We're-All-Doomed" Paulson.

Here are a few examples, which I did not make up for the most part:

- The World As We Know It Is Going Down

- A Crisis Unmatched Since The Great Depression

- The Politics Of Despair

- What Do We Do Now?

- Where Did Our Money Go??

- Who ARE All These People Who Bought Houses They Couldn't Afford, And Why Are WE Stuck Paying The Bill When We Worked For Years And Played By The Rules, I Mean Dang We Should Have Bought A Million Dollar House, At Least We'd Have Something To Show For It.

As you can tell, these political blogs get a little intense. But fortunately, there are lots of other blogs to explore! Like:

- Spread The Love

- The Grocery Cart Poet

- Brain Dump

and, if those are still too intense for you -
- The Real Housewives of Orange County: Vicki's Family Drama

I would love to get into the intricacies of credit default swaps and the nefarious plotting of the hapless homeowners who conspired to bring down the global economy by having the audacity to think that they might actually deserve three bedrooms and a bath-and-a-half. But I really do need to read Vicki's post about Lauri's magical wedding, which was so intimate and romantic and princessical and - hold on, I need a tissue - and sure to be the start of years and years and years of complete happiness that is probably over already because I hear they got into a huge argument during the reception and I just can't believe it but I think - wait, one more tissue - they may be getting a divorce!!!

Gotta go.