Miss California

(tiara or brain. pick one.)

Miss California blew it. Rule number one in the Beauty Queen Handbook clearly states:

"When asked your opinion on anything, the correct answer is: World Peace."

What was she thinking, bashing gay marriage? Where did she get the nerve to come up with her own opinion? And how could she forget about those nearly-nude photos that have now popped up to embarrass the suddenly-prudish Miss USA Pageant officials, who would never encourage young women to pose or prance around wearing skimpy little outfits and 6-inch heels? At least, not without wearing a tiara at the same time.

I only have 3 things to say:

1. I think the Republicans are happy to have a new spokesperson who is better looking than Joe the Plumber, who I hear is leaving the party anyway. (For details on Joe's thought process, given the generous assumption that he has a thought process, follow this link and scroll down to the section entitled "What Have We Got To Lose?" which I believe at this point is a rhetorical question.)

2. I think the gay marriage debate is a more worthy topic than the silly debate over which type of mustard President Obama prefers. (Get a life, Mr. Hannity)

And 3. I think, whether I agree with Miss California or not, I applaud her willingness to speak her mind and stand up for her convictions. You go, girl.

~~~

And now for the evening news ...

(ok, maybe there WAS some hype back then)

I'm old.

"how old are you?"

I'm so old, I remember when the news was only on once a day.

"what? like, you only turned it on once a day?"

No, like it was only ON one time each day. At first, the evening news was only 15 minutes long. And only on weekdays. On Saturdays and Sundays, there was no evening news.

"even on the cable channels?"

There were no cable channels. There was NBC, ABC and CBS. That was it.

"you're kidding"

Nope. People would read the newspaper, watch the news at night, and just live their lives the rest of the time.

"weird"

It wasn't all bad. If something outrageous happened, like Miss California having an actual opinion, or the press corps standing up when the President walked in, it might be days before you heard about it. By that time it often wouldn't seem like such a big deal.

"sounds boring"

Not really. Imagine today's news without the hype, exaggeration, personalities and political spin. What would be left?

"just the facts, i guess"

Exactly.

"wow. i'd rather eat dirt. hey, i hear there's a video of the obama puppy pledging allegiance to the koran on youtube. gotta go."

~~~

Affairs with Oprah

(in politics, as in life, sentence structure is important.)

MSNBC did a story this morning about Elizabeth Edwards' new book. Here is the crawl that appeared at the bottom of the screen:

"Elizabeth Edwards discusses her husband's affair with Oprah."

My first thought - That rat! His wife has cancer and he's having an affair with Oprah??!

My second thought - Oh. She's appearing on Oprah to discuss her husband's affair.

My third thought - He's still a rat.

~~~

100 days

(whew! makes me tired just thinking about it)

The countdown is over. The 100 day mark is passed. President Obama has been busy, to say the least.

I won't go into all the details. Let's just hit some highlights:

• Implementing a huge stimulus package
• Signing the Lilly Ledbetter Act
• Changing stem cell research policy
• Opening the dialogue on health care
  
• Redefining our national image
• And, of course, choosing a puppy named Bo

I have also been busy during the past 100 days. Let's see ... I trimmed our shrubs. I vacuumed a couple of times. And I opened the dialogue with my husband about who should wash the dishes when the other person went to all the trouble of making dinner even though that person really hates to cook and besides she was exhausted from trimming the shrubs.

Obama was criticized during the campaign for having more style than substance. "Sure, he's a good speaker," some said. "But what has he actually done?"

That argument, me thinks, is now kaput.

In fact, Obama proves day after day that our words are as important as our actions. Our words affect what we do, who we are, and how we see the world.

If we call waterboarding "torture," we can admit that we went too far.

If we call salary discrimination "illegal," we increase the value of women in our society.

If we call ourselvers "listeners" at the G-20 Summit, we acknowledge that other people might have worthwhile things to say.

And if the only word you can come up with is "no," as seems to be the case with some Republicans lately, then I'm sorry but you just might be left behind. There's a new puppy in town, and the Obama girls are not the only ones who are smiling.

~~~

Seeing the light

What an interesting week.

The Swine Flu broke out, making the Republicans look just a little foolish for poo-poo-ing the idea of funding pandemic flu prevention through the stimulus bill even though, as Michael Steele pointed out, pandemics do tend to arrive without prior notice. (Hence the need for prevention. duh.)

Arlen Specter became a Democrat, explaining that the Republican voting base is shifting so far to the right, it is in danger of falling over which may not be altogether a bad thing.

And scientists cloned four puppies that glow in the dark.

Gosh, where to begin? In my admittedly biased viewpoint, the Republicans are looking more and more like they are in the dark. So maybe scientists need to work on cloning common sense, cooperation, and working for the best interest of one's constituents.

Or maybe they could come up with brain cells that glow in the dark, so we can see who is thinking and who is just following along.

Or at the very least, they could make bugs that glow in the dark, so those of us in Texas could put our slippers on at night without turning them upside-down and shaking them. Prevention is a good thing.

~~~

I'm a Texan - but only because I live here

(I'm hoping those aren't the only choices.)

I moved to Texas a couple of years ago. It really wasn't my idea. My grandbaby was born here, and I had lost all feeling in my feet from the sub-arctic temperatures in Michigan. So here I am.

Unfortunately, I may not be a Texas resident much longer. Why? Because Texas may not be a state much longer! We are on the verge of becoming our very own country. Imagine that!

In case you haven't heard, Governor Perry has indicated recently that he thinks maybe Texas should secede from the Union. The federal government, according to Perry, "has become oppressive in its size and its interference with the states."

So there ya have it. We're outta here.

I wonder what kind of country Texas will be? ... Let's see ... We currently have:

• The highest utility rates in the country (thanks to deregulation in 2002)
  
• The highest percentage of people with no health insurance
• The most uninsured drivers
• The highest rate of teen pregnancy
• The highest obesity rate in kids

I could go on and on. Clearly Texas has many top rankings. Governor Perry should be proud. I hope that, as President of Texas, he continues the fine work. No oppressive government here. No socialism. No awkward moments like when you rail against "unnecessary spending" and then have to explain the tent city that just cropped up in your state capital. Also no health insurance. But plenty of burritos with extra cheese!

Texas: Too small for a country, too big for an insane asylum.

Conspiracy theory

Here's a brilliant conspiracy theory that was recently uncovered by an anonymous but brilliant blogger from Frisco Texas whose turn it is to talk:

The Republicans lost the 2008 presidential election on purpose.

How do I know this? Here is my theory:

First, they knew we were in trouble. The economy was plummeting, the Iraq War was hopeless, and massive reform was clearly needed in health care, education, energy, Social Security, and Medicare. Not to mention personal hygiene. And don't even get me started on our nationwide lack of basic spelling skills. NOBODY knows when to use "its" versus "it's." Even professional journalists like the people responsible for the crawl on CNN, which has spelling errors approximately every fourth word.

Second, they knew that nobody really had solutions for these problems. I mean, if journalists don't know when an apostrophe is needed, how are the rest of us supposed to figure it out???

And third, they realized that as the losers, they would be in the perfect position. They can now sit back, criticize every move Obama makes, predict the end of the world as we know it, and vote "no" over and over again.

Do we need an apostrophe? "No!"

Could we please have an apostrophe if it might bring back my 401(k)? "No!!!"

Well what if we added some apostrophes in key places to try to get things turned around?
"No!!!!!!! In fact, if you give me an apostrophe I will refuse to take it, even though it could help the unemployed pronouns in my own state."

The thing is, some of us watch punctuation pretty closely. We know!! All those exclamation points!! Are supposed!! To make us forget!! How we got here!! In the first place!!

But. It's. Not. Working.