Odd News

(southern living's super-de-duper holiday issue, complete with instructions on how to deliver a baby. i sure hope patricia had this on hand.)

It's Monday! Time for some odd news.

Today I'm only going to feature one story:
"Boston Woman Delivers Grandchild On Thanksgiving."

This was reported by WHDH News in Boston, but in my opinion they left out all of the most interesting information. Here is the story word for word, with my questions in red.

BOSTON – A Boston woman says she was forced to split her time between helping her daughter deliver a baby at home and cooking Thanksgiving dinner.

(Was there nobody else at home who could have helped with either task? A husband? A neighbor? A very intelligent dog? And why do you say she was "forced"? Was she considering NOT helping her daughter? Was there a weapon involved? Or just a lot of screaming?)

Patricia McCalop was in the middle of preparing the meal when Africa McCalop suddenly went into labor two weeks early.

(Ok, so WHY would someone from Boston name their daughter "Africa"? Did Patricia mean to write "Arica" on the birth certificate, but she was maybe like totally drunk and added an extra letter and went several years before realizing that her daughter was, in fact, named Africa? I am fascinated by this.)

The grandmother called 911, and a dispatcher talked her through the delivery and helped her confirm that the baby girl was healthy and breathing. Paramedics arrived shortly afterward and took the mother and newborn to the hospital. They are both in good health.

(Ok, that's good! No questions here.)

McCalop said she kept running between the kitchen and her daughter in labor because she didn't want the turkey to burn while helping her child deliver the baby.

(Who on earth were they having for dinner? Would they not have understood if dinner was overcooked? Seems to me a brand new baby who was JUST BORN IN THE GUEST BEDROOM is a pretty good excuse.)

The infant weighed six pounds.

(THIS is how you end the story? "The infant weighed six pounds"?? I have lots more questions. Did Patricia send poor Africa to the hospital all by herself? Were the dinner guests totally grossed out by the thought of what Patricia was doing in between stuffing the turkey and baking the pies? Did Africa name her baby after some random continent? Australia, maybe? Or North America?)

Come on, WHDH News. Inquiring minds want to know ...

~~~

Odd News

(max baucus, a very funny man.
you ARE kidding about this health care proposal, aren't you max?)

I have two Odd News stories to report today.

First, from CNN, a headline about the Baucus Health Care Proposal, which will either make you laugh or scream. Your choice.

~~~

Health Care Proposal Mandates Coverage, Drops Public Option

~~~

After months of negotiating with Republicans, caving in to their desires, and asking them to pretty-please support reform efforts, Max Baucus finally released his "Gang of Six" senate health care proposal today. It is truly odd. To put it mildly.

The proposal mandates that everyone must buy coverage, but provides no way of keeping that coverage affordable.

In fact, it gives the insurance companies ample excuses for raising rates.

Plus, it has NO REPUBLICAN SUPPORT. So, what the heck? Why make concessions, Max, if they won't get you any votes? Perhaps you are getting $$$omething el$$$e from your friend$$$ in the indu$$$try?

I can't think about this for too long. It makes my blood pressure go up, which I definitely will not be able to afford if this is the "blueprint for reform."

So here is my Odd News story #2, from yahoo.com:

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Kansas couple's trash bin tryst takes wrong turn

WICHITA, Kan. – A tender moment in a trash bin went all wrong for a couple who found themselves being held up at pocket knifepoint. Police said two 44-year-olds had climbed into a dumpster to be alone just after 6 p.m. Saturday when two men interrupted them and demanded their belongings. Officers said the man and woman were engaged in "an intimate moment" when they were robbed of their shoes, jewelry and the man's wallet.

~~~

And you thought YOUR husband was un-romantic. Can't you just picture it?

"Hey hun, let's go to our favorite restaurant tonight. You know, the one with that quiet, secluded dumpster out back" - wink, wink

Or maybe it was a blind date from hell that involved way too much wine.

"Let's go to my place - hic - it's just around the corner."

Or - who knows? - maybe the 44-year-old couple had teenagers at home, and they just couldn't take it any more.

"Let's get out of here. The kids will be fine playing their video games. They won't even miss us. There's got to be SOME place in town where we can get a little peace and quiet!"


The moral of the story?
Everyday Americans are trying to live their lives, hoping to maybe even have a little fun from time to time - and every time we turn around, we're getting robbed.

Laugh or scream.

Your choice.

~~~

Odd News Headlines

(let's take a vote. which is odder?)

Sometimes the headline tells the story. Here are a few examples from this week's news, in no particular order of oddness ...

Pa. Man Fires Cannon, Hits Neighbor's House


U.S. Bank Seeks Thumbprint of Armless Man


Jackson Tomb Remains A Mystery


Michelle Bachman: Dems Want To Sabotage Me Because I Might Become President


Obama Blasted For Planning Speech To School Children


Blogger From Frisco Texas Becomes Highest Paid Presidential Staff Writer In History, Vows To Eliminate Speeches For Obama Altogether And Replace Them With Bumper Stickers And Protest Signs Because Let's Face It Nobody Is Paying Attention To The Speeches Anyway

~~~

Odd News Headlines

(mommy, what is that folded-up pile of paper?
honey, that is what we called a newspaper back in the old days.
instead of making stuff up online, people would print it out and throw it onto your lawn.)

A few humorous stories from Yahoo's Odd News section to brighten up your weekend! My comments, of course, in red.

Woman Sues Zoo Over Splashing Dolphins
A woman is suing a Chicago-area zoo for a 2008 fall near a dolphin exhibit, accusing zookeepers of encouraging the mammals to splash water and then failing to protect spectators from wet surfaces.

I can just hear the zookeeper now: "Hey, Flipper! Aim for the lady in the purple hat! Woo hoo! I love my job."


Pack Your Trunk And Leave The Beach!
A French town has banned circus elephants from bathing at its beaches over concerns the animals' excrement could pollute the water and pose a health hazard to other swimmers.

We have the same problem in our backyard pool. You should see the size of the swim diapers we have to buy. The elephants are usually pretty good about not splashing spectators. But get out of the way when they yell "Cannon-Ball!!!"


Baby Boomers Still Getting High
Baby boomers, now well into middle age, are still turning on to illegal drugs, doubling the rates of illicit drug use for the older generation, according to U.S. government statistics released on Wednesday.

Story of my life. Everybody is having fun without me.


Competition Lacking Among Private Health Insurers
Several studies show that in lots of places, one or two health insurance companies dominate the market. Critics say monopolistic conditions drive up premiums paid by employers and individuals.

Insurers contend their industry is extremely competitive.

"You can have a very competitive market and still have companies with a high market share," said Alissa Fox, a top Washington lobbyist for the Blue Cross Blue Shield Association. "Insurers need to be of a significant size to best serve their customers and make sure that people get the best value."

Dude. Alissa. Pass the weed.

~~~

Armed and dangerous: Texas inmate hides gun in flabs of fat. Eww.

(it's time to come clean)

Things are getting WAY too serious around here. Seniors are worried about Death Squads. Congressmen are afraid to attend their own town hall meetings. And I hear the Birthers now have definitive proof that President Obama was NEVER ACTUALLY BORN!

So, until things turn around and we return to the lighthearted days of bombing random countries into oblivion and totally ignoring the depressing issues here at home - it's time for some Odd News from Yahoo.com!!

Today's story:

Obese Texas inmate hides gun in his flabs of fat

HOUSTON – An obese inmate in Texas has been charged after officials learned he had a gun hidden under flabs of his own flesh.

Twenty-five-year-old George Vera was charged with possession of a firearm in a correctional facility after he told a guard at the Harris County Jail about the unloaded 9mm pistol. The Houston Chronicle reported Thursday that Vera was originally arrested on charges of selling illegal copies of compact discs.

The 500-pound man was searched during his arrest and again at a city jail and the county jail, but officers never found the weapon in his rolls of skin. Vera admitted having the gun during a shower break at the county jail.

~~~

Ok, now just in case you don't already have the whole disgusting picture, here is my imaginary conversation between the inmate and the jailer.

Jailer: You almost done with that shower? You've been in there forever.

Inmate: Sorry. I was just looking for something. I know it's in here somewhere.

Jailer: Did you lose the soap again? I am NOT going to help you look.

Inmate: No, umm - oh, here it is! Stick 'em up! Oops. Dang, that was slippery.

Jailer: Step away from the gun, genius. You're in really big trouble now.

Inmate: Aw, come on. It wasn't even loaded.

Jailer: Sit down for a minute. I'm calling for back-up.

Inmate: Fine. (he sits) (muffled groans)

Jailer: Just stay there. Don't say another word. Hey ... come to think of it ... where did your cell mate go?

~~~

Sure is hot out here

(how hot can it be?? it's lincoln nebraska, for crying out loud)

From the always amusing Odd News section of Yahoo:

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LINCOLN, Neb. – Lincoln police arrested a man who they said made up a story about being robbed to explain why he was walking around a city park naked. Police spokeswoman Katie Flood said the man was arrested and jailed Wednesday night on suspicion of indecent exposure and making a false statement to police.

Police found the man naked in a southwest Lincoln city park on Monday. He told police a man with a gun tried to rob him, but he did not have any money, so the robber took his clothes.

Flood said the man really took off his clothes because he was hot. He walked around naked for about an hour, but afterward, he couldn't find his clothes.

~~~

Hey when you're hot, you're hot. But a robber took your clothes? That's a pretty lame excuse. Next time try one of these:

- I took some Ambien. I'm not even awake. (fall down on a bench and start snoring immediately)

- I'm a Democratic Senator. I shared my clothes with everybody else in the park.

- I'm a Republican Senator. Did you happen to see a young lady run by?

~~~

Bunny Lady Behind Bars

(what's not to love?)

And now, for the lighter side of the news ...

An Oregon woman who was apparently obsessed with bunnies was arrested at a hotel on Wednesday, "after an employee reported finding rabbits hopping around in her room."

According to a report on yahoo, the woman had hundreds of rabbits in her home at one point. I will spare you the details. Let's just say they were not all hopping around. She "was sentenced in April 2007 to five years probation and ... was told not to go within 100 yards of a rabbit."

Shortly thereafter, her probation officer became suspicious when the woman would not allow her past the front door. The officer "said she found no rabbits when she finally got inside but did find a half-empty 10-pound bag of carrots."

Ok, now I'm sure this is a serious situation. But can you imagine the conversation between the police and this woman?

Police: Ma'am, please open the door.

Bunny Lady: What's up, doc?

Police: Very funny. We can hear those hopping noises.

BL: Uh... it's just me! (hopping up and down)

Police: There's fur all over your t-shirt.

BL: It's dandruff. The hopping makes it fall faster.

Police: What's that 10-pound bag of carrots for?

BL: What, it's against the law to eat carrots?

Police: Ma'am, please. Stop hopping, and put down the carrots. Just hand over the bunnies and nobody will get hurt. (talking into the walkie-talkie) Need some backup here. Send Elmer. Don't ask.

~~~