What's another word for amnesia? I forget.

(five thirty is extremely early. which may explain why i am always late.)

I am SO sad that I haven't had time to blog lately! But of course, I am one of the lucky ones. I have a job.

Not that I didn't have a job before, but it was a self-employed job, which doesn't really count as a job because if you are foolish enough to be self-employed then you deserve to pay double taxes and outrageous health insurance premiums even though you are the embodiment of the supposed American Dream of self sufficient entrepreneur based small business ideal which unfortunately when you boil it right down means diddly squat.

Not that I'm bitter.

Anyway.

I've missed a lot, including the opportunity to rail against the Republicans who are now suddenly dead set against any deficit spending even though the current deficit can clearly be traced back to the Bush administration.Which, as I recall, was proudly Republican at the time.

Not to mention the Republicans who are now totally outraged about the push-back against the Arizona immigration bill, claiming that the federal government's inaction is to blame even though the Republicans are by any definition the inactive portion of the federal government.

Plus of course let's not forget the Republicans who are totally upset about the Gulf oil "spill" even though if we cared to connect the rapidly gushing dots, which they would rather not, those dots would form a straight line leading to some Republican leaders who shall remain nameless but whose names would rhyme with Mush and Brainy. Which is quite apt.

I wish I had time to elaborate. But I need to get up at 5:30 so I won't be late for work.

Let's just leave it at that.

~~~

Seriously hilarious news

(there's not a lot to laugh about these days)

Have you heard the news??

A gigantic underground volcano of oil is erupting, threatening at the very least the Gulf of Mexico and at the very worst our entire planet. Including me. This is not good.

Europe is in a financial crisis. Today, riots in Greece or a technical glitch caused by a Wall Street trader who was distracted by downloading the John Edwards video, nobody seems to know which, caused a 1000-point drop in the Dow Jones Industrial Index in just one hour. Yikes.

But I did find one headline that gave me quite a chuckle.

Here it is:

Fox Defends Michael Brown Interview: 'He's An Expert On Botched Responses.'

Yes, Fox News had Michael "Heckuvajob" Brown on TV the other night, explaining his theory that President Obama reacted "slowly" to the oil spill for political reasons. Brown is a credible spokesperson for incompetence, apparently. Hard to deny that.

Perhaps Fox News should consider some other guest appearances:

- They could have Joe Lieberman host a special show on How To Be A Loyal Friend.

- They could have John McCain explain How To Be A Maverick While Not Being A Maverick Who Ever Said I Was A Maverick?? Not Me.

- They could invite Sarah Palin to discuss job longevity.

- They could ask Dick Cheney to talk about the sneering, snarling secrecy, deception, and blatantly anti-constitutional actions of the Obama administration. Oh wait. They already did.

- I could go on and on.

Any other ideas?

~~~

Republican "Census" Form

(gee, you just never know what's going to arrive in the mail!)

Dear Michael Steele,

I was a little surprised to receive your "OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT FUND RAISING PLEA DISGUISED AS A CENSUS FORM" in the mail today. I am quite honored that you want to know my views about the Republican Party.

In fact, the accompanying letter says that my registered Census "is one of a select few being mailed into Texas' 26th Congressional District." Wow. Lucky me.

But your questions are making me mad. Especially since I am a registered Democrat. For example (and I quote) -

"How much does it concern you that the Democrats have total control of the federal government?"

"Do you believe the huge, costly Democrat-passed stimulus bill has been effective in creating jobs?"

"Do you worry that the Obama Administration is committed to greatly expanding the government's role in your life?"

And on and on and on ...

Come now, Mr. Steele. If you want me to answer your inflammatory questions, kindly fill out the form below, attach a check for $25 or more, and send it to me. You already have my address.

Question # 1:
The Republican strategy is to:
__ Propose absolutely no ideas
__ Vote no
__ Propose ideas, and then vote no on the exact same ideas

Question # 2:
When you look back on the Bush years, do you think:
__ Bush was not a true Republican
__ Bush was misunderstood
__ Bush who?

And Question # 3:
According to the Republicans, a true American is someone who:
__ Votes Republican
__ Attends tea party rallies with other Medicare and Social Security recipients
__ Would never be mistaken for an illegal alien, even in Arizona
__ Thinks Glenn Beck is serious
__ All of the above

Thank you for your time, Mr. Steele. And now, I plan to print out this little blog post and return it to you in your Business Reply Envelope. No check attached.

~~~

Good news

Good news!

Did you hear?

The jobs report this week was really exciting! (details here)

Businesses added 162,000 jobs in March, the largest gains in 3 years. Not enough to change the overall 9.7% unemployment rate, but way, way better than the 700,000+ jobs we were losing at the end of the Bush administration, right? Right?

Wrong. According to Senator John Cornyn's facebook page, which I visit only so my fellow Texans can get some kind of balanced viewpoint even if they choose to ignore it - and I quote -

"Sadly, March jobs report flat."

Hmm ... well, how about THIS good news? The new health reform bill includes an immediate tax credit for small businesses, starting at an average of 35% and increasing up to 50% for the first two years a company buys insurance through its state exchange (details here).

But - according to Maria Bartiromo on the Morning Joe show last week, which I will never watch again - and I quote -

"Well, but first the business would have to buy the insurance. So it kind of sounds like a fee to me."

Ok, so a tax credit somehow becomes a fee. Hmm ... but did you hear? The reform bill also empowers the federal government to cap insurance premium increases, which is totally obviously necessary unless we all want to pay 30 to 40% more for insurance each year.

But - according to Rick Moran, whose name is hilariously similar to a popular misspelled Tea Party sign, though I am much too tactful to bring that up, this is all part of a bigger plot.

Here is a quote from Mr. Moran's recent blog post:

"The federal government will ... have the ability to deny 'excessive' rate increases by insurers under Obamacare. This will be a mechanism by which the government deliberately destroys the private insurance industry in order to to force a single payer system down our throats."

Ok. Fine.

Sigh.

So people finally finding jobs is terrible news. Tax credits for small business owners are terrible news. Premium limits are terrible news.

Maybe this will cheer you up:

Angela Braly received a 51% pay increase in 2009. Braly is the CEO of WellPoint, the insurance company that recently announced premium increases of up to 39% in California. Her overall compensation for 2009 was $13.1 million, while the company enjoyed profits of $4.75 billion (details here).

Way to go, Angela.

Nice job, WellPoint.

Good news, indeed.

~~~

I just have to say ...

(settle down, lesley, settle down)

Woo hoo! Boo ya! And a big "Way To Go!" to President Obama and Nancy Pelosi.

The health reform bill isn't perfect. I'd prefer single payer myself. But they did it. Amazing.

Some good things will start to happen right away. Insurance companies can no longer say "Sorry, your child was born with asthma. That's a pre-existing condition." They can no longer say "Sorry, you had a cold six years ago. That's a pre-existing condition." They can no longer say "Sorry, your illness is too expensive. Even though you paid your premiums, we're cutting you off."

Of course, they wouldn't say that anyway. At least, not the "sorry" part.

It amazes me to see the backlash, particularly from my Christian friends who I am now about to totally offend.

If Jesus designed a health care plan, what do you think it would look like? Would he do his best to avoid taxing the wealthy? Would he be mainly concerned with maintaining the hefty profits of the hospitals and insurance companies? If he suggested caring for the poor (like, hello, I believe he did over and over) would his disciples run away clutching their wallets and screaming about socialism?

I think not.

If you are upset about health reform, please take a few minutes to learn the facts.

Your taxes are not going up, unless you make over $200,000 a year.
The government is not taking over health care. (I wish they would)
There are no death panels.
There are new, common sense controls on the insurance industry.
There are over 200 Republican amendments in the bill.

And last but not least - tort reform and selling across state lines would NOT provide meaningful reform.

Rant over. I feel better now.

More to come.

~~~

You're all still here! Me too.

I'm happy - and somewhat amazed - to see that my merry band of followers has not yet dissolved into the mist. Inertia can be a wonderful thing.

I suppose the same can be said for the health reform bill. It's still alive, amazingly enough. I don't think inertia has much to do with it, though. Kudos to Obama for keeping it alive. Agree with him or not, you have to admit the guy has guts.

Meanwhile, I've been quite busy but I had to come tell you about my new hobby which I heartily recommend:

I signed up as a "fan" of John Cornyn, my conservative Texas Senator, on Facebook.

It irked me that there was not an option to access his page as a "person who is NOT a fan but just wants to make comments." I'm afraid my Facebook friends probably have the wrong idea about me. ("Did you hear? Lesley is a FAN of John Cornyn's! We knew she would see the light sooner or later!")

But anyway. His Facebook page is lots of fun.

Senator Cornyn loves to post questions with obvious answers, like this one:

"Will Texas members of congress embrace a $24 billion unfunded Medicaid mandate for Texas taxpayers (over 10 yrs) in Senate HC bill? Texans, should they?"

That little question has gotten 212 replies since last Friday. Approximately two hundred and eleven people posted compassionate answers like:

"It is not my responsibility to care for those who choose not to care for themselves."

I kid you not. This was a typical reply.

We're talking about Medicaid here, which helps children. The elderly. The disabled. The poor.

I answered that I thought we SHOULD help these people, and I pointed out that (1) the Senate HC bill is not unfunded, and (2) Cornyn's questions are deliberately slanted and divisive.

The very next commenter told me I should move to California.

If your senators or congresspeople are on Facebook, join their page! It's much more therapeutic than sending emails to them or banging your head against the wall, which are both pretty much exactly the same thing. If yours don't have a page, join Cornyn's! I'd love to have the company.

Here's the link:
Facebook/John Cornyn

~~~

My resignation letter. Well, maybe.

(me? stop ranting? nah)

Dear followers, lurkers, and anonymous commenters from Japan:

Good news! I have discovered how to make money blogging. Here's how you do it: you stop blogging, and get a job.

Yes, somebody actually offered me a real, full-time job. I start next week. I'm very excited. It's not a blogging job, but it is a writing job with a wonderful company.

Of course, the bad news is that I will have less time for blogging. And I had SO many things to rant about!

I was going to look into genetically modified organisms, which I hate to tell you but you probably eat these mutated food-like undigestable substances for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. Truly scary stuff.

I was going to cover the upcoming health reform summit in great detail, which I'm sure will be very amusing. Maybe President Obama will propose a tax credit for surgically removing sneers from the faces of certain Republican leaders *cough*Boehner*cough*.

And of course I was going to follow Sarah Palin's run for the presidency in 2012, which you betcha is coming and which will provide ENDLESS fodder for bloggers like me. And since I am satirical, just like Rush Limbaugh, I can say whatever I want without worrying about offending Ms. Palin. What a relief!

Clearly I can't let these opportunities completely pass me by. So I'll be around! I just won't be ranting quite as frequently.

Have a great day, my friends! But put down that muffin. Trust me, you don't want to eat that. I'll tell you why later.

~~~

Anthem Blue Cross writes back

(take a chill pill, kathleen.

anthem blue cross is just doin' what comes naturally)

As I told you last time, Kathleen Sibelius wrote a stern letter to Anthem Blue Cross, demanding to know why they were raising rates as much as 39% for individual customers in California.

Well, now they have written back.

Sibelius received this detailed 5-page explanation for the rate hikes instead of the three-word answer that really would have sufficed: "Because. We. Can."

Let's take a look at Anthem's explanation, shall we? Here are some excerpts, followed by my translations in red:

Anthem's profit margin in California is in-line with and below that of many of our competitors.

Translation: The CEO of Aetna has a MUCH bigger yacht than I do.

It is important to note that the rate increases being reported in the media relate only to the individual insurance market ... which represents approximately 10 percent of our more than eight million members in California.

Translation: Besides, this change only affects 800,000 people, all of whom are obviously losers because they don't work for large corporations. Fools.

Furthermore, the figure of 39 percent being reported by media represents one of the largest rate increases and includes the impact of aging.

Translation: In fact, many of them are geezers!

It is important to know that our members often have a choice of coverage.

Translation: If they want to save some money, they can switch to our ever-popular Major Medical Instant Bankruptcy PPO Plan with a $50,000 deductible.

(later in the letter, under the heading "Why Individual Rates Are Increasing Faster Than Medical Inflation") -
In our challenging economy, a higher proportion of individuals move to lower-cost coverage.

Translation: Of course, keep in mind, if people take our advice and switch plans, we will still have to raise their rates. Hey, we gotta make a buck.

Medical costs increase each year primarily due to 1) provider prices increasing faster than general inflation and 2) increases in consumer utilization.

Translation: It's not our fault that prices keep going up. People buy insurance from us, and then they expect us to PAY when they get sick and go to the doctor. Completely unreasonable. If they would just die already, we'd all be happy. At least I would. Now kindly buzz off.

~~~

Sibelius questions Anthem Blue Cross rate hikes

(surprise, surprise. health insurance costs are going up.)

Anthem Blue Cross recently announced price hikes of up to 39% for individual plans in California. Once she found out, "through media accounts," Kathleen Sibelius, the U.S. Health Secretary, responded quickly and forcefully. She sent them a letter asking why.

And guess what? I have obtained the classified, top-secret, and totally fictional letters that went back and forth!

Shhh, don't tell ... but here they are:

~~~

Dear Anthem Blue Cross,

What is the meaning of this? I was just watching American Idol and I accidentally changed the channel for a sec and heard that you are raising rates by 39%. What the heck are you thinking? Send me an explanation please. Pretty please.

Sincerely, Kathleen Sibelius

...

Dear Ms. Sibelius,

At Anthem Blue Cross, our mission is to improve the profits of our extremely huge company by any means we deem necessary. Last quarter our parent company, WellPoint, had profits of only 2.7 billion dollars. We have resolved to do even better in 2010. Our shareholders deserve nothing less.

If our valued customers are regrettably unable to afford their new premiums, that is not our problem. They have many alternatives, including getting a job that provides health benefits, moving to Mexico, or dying.

If you continue to make a fuss about this silly issue, we may incur legal fees which would force us to implement even harsher rate hikes in the very near future.

Buzz off.

Sincerely, Heartless But Profitable Insurance Company

...

Dear Anthem Blue Cross:

Oh. Sorry. My bad.

Sincerely, Kathleen Sibelius

~~~

No joke

(the more i see of her, the more afraid i become)

Sarah Palin gave the keynote speech at the Tea Party convention yesterday. She blasted President Obama, said the word "Reagan" several hundred times, and rallied her fans with confusing run-on sentences and catchy little bumper-sticker sayings like this "How's that hope-y change-y thing workin' out for ya?"

She enumerated some admirable goals without offering any workable solutions, urged a smaller government but a bigger military, and pined for the good ol' days of waterboarding.

Then she took pre-planned questions from the audience.

With pre-planned answers written on her palm.

I kid you not.




This is just sad.

Her supporters don't care. That's even sadder. (From one message board: "I'll take inarticulate but honest over smooth-talking liar any day.")

So, if she bugs me so much, why do I keep talking about her? Why give her even more publicity? Because like her or not, she isn't going away. We all need to understand exactly what could happen if the tea party movement grows stronger.

Imagine that legendary 3 a.m. phone call - with no crib notes written on her hand.

In fact, this morning on Fox News, Chris Wallace asked if she might run in 2012.

Her response: "I think that it would be absurd to not consider what it is that I can potentially do to help our country."

Scary.

Sad.

Absurd, indeed.

~~~

How do you spell Hypocrite?

(how big of a hypocrite am i? thiiiiis big)

Republican members of Congress voted unanimously against the Recovery Act last year. Ever since, they have been whining about "out of control" spending, even though the out-of-control part started, undeniably, on their watch.

No! No! Don't spend away our children's future!

No! No! Don't make us take that dirty government money!

What's that? A ribbon cutting? A photo op? Count us in!

The White House recently released a very interesting list including the following tidbits:

John Boehner (R-Ohio) issued a statement on his Web site that he was "pleased that federal officials have stepped in" to order Ohio to use its stimulus funds for "shovel-ready" construction projects.

Eric Cantor (R -Va) hosted a job fair to demonstrate how he — and not the Obama administration — is working on ‘long-term solutions that will put Virginia businesses and Virginia workers back on the path to financial stability.’ Nearly half of the 30 organizations on hand were recipients of stimulus funds.

Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-Mich.) posted to his Twitter, "Stimulus Incentive Is Very Generous! Up to 8k! Check It Out!"

There's more. Lots more.

You guys should be ashamed. What DO you stand for, exactly?

h.y.p.o.c.r.i.t.e.s.

~~~

Obama Holds Q&A Session With Puppy Bo

(the good ol' days)

Following a successful Q&A session with Republicans and a subsequent session with Democrats that was so boring even MSNBC cut away to talk about Sarah Palin's new hairdo, President Obama spent several hours today talking with the family dog, Bo.

The session was not televised, but I have obtained a top-secret exclusive audio transcript. Let's listen in:

Prez: Hey little buddy, it's good to see a friendly face!

Bo: Not so fast. I've got some tough questions for you. I mean, this year hasn't turned out exactly the way I expected.

Prez: You and me both.

Bo: I thought it would be pretty cool to be the White House Puppy. At first my picture was in the paper all the time, my cute little tricks were on the evening news, we even ran down the hall together, remember that?

Prez: Sure. Look. You're still an important part of the team.

Bo: Yeah, yeah. I'm getting totally overshadowed. I've got no job security whatsoever. I don't even have a decent health care plan. Why can't I see the same doctor as Sasha and Malia? It's just not fair.

Prez: Tell you what. The next time I meet with Republicans, I'll bring you along. When the guy with the orange skin gets up to talk, go for his ankles and bite away.

Bo: Sounds like fun. Come on, let's go to the Rose Garden and pee in the snow. I bet the media won't cut away from that.

~~~

Fun With Numbers

(be afraid. be very afraid)

Oh my gosh! We're deeper in debt! We're losing more jobs! We're doomed, doomed, doomed!!

That is, unless we get Republicans back in power as soon as possible. Just ask em, they'll tell ya.

Here are some scary charts I found on the Official Republican website. Have your children leave the room before you look at them. Really. They're that frightening.

First, here is a chart of job losses since the stimulus. Oh, excuse me. That's the "stimulus" in sarcastic little quotation marks. Take a look at this scary trend:




Yikes! At this rate we will ALL be out of a job soon! Even Jay Leno!

But the thing is, job losses have slowed dramatically since the quote unquote "stimulus." So how did they make this chart look so scary? Simple. They charted the cumulative jobless rates, rather than showing the trend like this:

(Job losses by month - from The Washington Monthly)




But hey! Jobless rates don't tell the whole story! What about all that spending, huh? The Democrats have just been going crazy crazy crazy!

Look at this chart, again from the Official Republican Everything We Say Is Right Heh Heh Pardon The Pun Website:



This one is DEFINITELY scary bad news! They even put Nancy Pelosi in the background, which makes perfect sense because it is all her fault!! Her and her "Democrat Majority."

Except ... helloooo ... this massive debt can be traced directly back to the previous Republick President and his Republick Majority, as shown by this chart from a recent excellent article by James Kwak entitled Budget Sense and Nonsense:




So I guess my point is, anyone can make a chart.





Anyone can present a scary picture.



But it takes a certain amount of chutzpah to scream about deficits that your own party created, and to suggest that tax cuts, tax cuts, tax cuts are going to somehow fix the problem, since as far as I remember a negative number plus a negative number equals an even bigger negative number.

Chutzpah + Screaming + Fuzzy Math = Not A Solution. Scary charts or no scary charts.

~~~

Obama Schools Republicans

(the professor is in. and how.)

Republican Strategy Meeting:

John Boehner: Hey guys, we've invited The Prez to come talk to us at the annual retreat. We're gonna get him on our territory and hit him with some "gotcha" questions. Sucker.

Eric Cantor: Yeah, let's grill the guy. We'll ask him hard-hitting stuff like why is he bankrupting the country with his Bolshevik plots and why doesn't he ever listen to our ideas when we are so eager and willing to work with him.

Boehner: I'll even give him a copy of our Idea Book! That'll make for some great drama!

Cantor: One little thing, though. He wants us to televise it.

Boehner: Perfect! We can work twenty talking points into each question so our message will be loud and clear. He'll be so confused, he won't even know where to begin. Bwa ha ha.

~~~

Unfortunately for the Sneering Clueless Ones With Spray Tans, the meeting didn't turn out quite the way they hoped.

Bwa ha ha indeed.

You rock, Barack.

Hank Paulson Book Tour

(everybody's writing books these days.
and why not? there's so much to write about.)

Hank Paulson is now ready to enlighten us all about the near-collapse of the financial system, with his new book "On The Brink." I kind of wish somebody had pushed him OFF that brink, preferably with cement blocks on his feet. But no, here he is, with a book explaining how difficult those times were for poor Hank.

It was stressful.

He suffered bouts of exhaustion and nausea.

He read Bible verses and prayed for divine assistance.

Barf.

Here is one of my favorite passages, which I swear I did not make up. He's talking about a conversation with Sarah Palin:

"Right away she started calling me Hank... But for some reason, the way she said it over the phone like that, even though we'd never met, rubbed me the wrong way. I'm also not sure she grasped the full dimensions of the situation I had sketched out - or so some of her comments made me think."

And now, guess what? I am totally excited to bring you an exclusive interview! The first stop on Paulson's book tour is this fictitious, amusing and hard-hitting Fox News discussion with fellow author and bewildered pundit ... Sarah Palin! What a coincidence!

Let's listen in...

~~~

Sarah: Good morning Hank! Can I call you Hank?

Hank: No.

S: Thanks! It's such an honor to meet a distinguished American such as yourself on this great American network that has given me an opportunity to rebuke the shameless critics who have nothing better to do than to mock myself, a genuine American hockey mom as you know therefore.

H: Was that a question?

S: Oh! Haha! Yes I do have some questions for you, Hankster. First, where's your bus?

H: It's right outside. It's the one with the sign on the side that says "Back off. I did it to Lehman Brothers, I can do it to you."

S: I understand your faith helped you get through the whole ordeal, HankyPank.

H: Yes. I often turned to God for help.

S: You mean you prayed?

H: No. I called Lloyd Blankfein, the Godly head of Goldman Sachs who wants nothing more than to do God's work. He always had encouraging words for me.

S: Like what, HankityWankity?

H: He would tell me, "Henry" - he calls me Henry like most normal people - "Henry, this will all work out in the end. You know from whence your help cometh and to whence the billions of dollars of taxpayer money needeth to go. Get ye hence and write us a check." So I did.

S: (sniff) Oh, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard! Thank you for your time. Can I call you Hank?

H: No.

S: Thanks Hank! Tune in tomorrow, when I will be giving my punditistic opinion on whatever happens in the meantime. See ya!

~~~

State of the Union Re BUTTal

(nice hair, dude.)

Good evening. I'm Bob McDonnell. I was just sworn in as Governor of Virginia 20 minutes ago, and look at all these fans I already have! Good gosh golly.

Why, there's an African-American lady standing right behind me. And an Asian dude over to the side. Not to mention this military man and the wholesome white chick. Welcome, cross-section of America! You may thunderously applaud now.

It's not easy to follow the President of the United States. Especially when he just talked about all the points I was going to cover. I had this big long ol' speech about creating jobs and cutting back on spending and becoming energy independent, but he went and stole my thunder. Dang.

President Obama had the audacity to talk about the American spirit and our national pride.

He insisted, "I do not accept second place for the United States of America."

He asked, "How long should America put its future on hold?"

He made it nearly impossible for my Republican colleagues to remain in their seats with contemptuous sneers on their faces.

So in conclusion, now that I really have nothing new to say, let me conclude with this thought:

"Tort reform, tort reform, tort reform."

God bless y'all, check me out on Facebook and Twitter, and take a look at my Flickr collection too, heh heh, Scott Brown eat your heart out.

~~~

LOL News

(stop! my sides are hurting)

Oh ha ha, tee hee, ho ho! Today's headlines are so funny!

I would be ROFL (that's Rolling On The Floor Laughing for all of my fellow geezers out there) if it wasn't for my bad back which would make it impossible to GBUFTF (Get Back Up From The Floor) which I'm sure y'all can relate to and if not, just wait a few years. Contrary to what you've heard, the back is the first thing to go.

Anyway.

Here is hilarious headline # 1, from Politico.com:

Poll: Fox Most Trusted Name In News

Excerpt: "A Public Policy Polling nationwide survey of 1,151 registered voters Jan. 18-19 found that 49 percent of Americans trusted Fox News, 10 percentage points more than any other network."

Hah. I suspect that either (a) the people they called thought they were talking about Megan Fox, or (b) one out of every two registered voters is a moron, or (c) both of the above.

Here is hilarious headline # 2, loosely translated from Huffington Post:

Henry Paulson Releases Comedy Memoir: I Am A Jerk And You Can, Too

One of my favorite excerpts:
"Paulson ... reveals how his strong faith helped him through the financial crisis. He once came close to violating the precepts of his Christian Scientist faith by taking some pills to help him sleep but said a prayer instead. At the height of the crisis, he describes a conversation with born-again Christian Bush, in which Paulson compared himself to Job."

I would elaborate on this for you, but the steam coming out of my ears is making it difficult to see what I'm typing. Suffice it to say that I have some pills I would love to give him.

And finally, here is hilarious headline # 3, which I totally made up:

State Of The Union Address Cancelled. Obama Is Nowhere To Be Found.

Imaginary but not totally implausible excerpt:
With the country facing multiple challenges, the economy teetering on the brink of a relapse, and bitter partisanship coming from both sides of the aisle, tonight's State of the Union address has been anxiously awaited by the public and the news media. Unfortunately, the podium is empty, the lights are off, and even Joe Wilson has gone home to watch American Idol Dallas Big Hair Auditions.

Robert Gibbs held a short press conference, explaining that the President was last seen speeding away from the White House in a Toyota Camry.

"We are very concerned. Obviously his gas pedal must be stuck," said Gibbs. "I really can't imagine any other explanation. One minute he was watching Gretchen Carlson talking about Exxon Mobil running for President on the Big Brother ticket in 2012, and the next minute he was peeling out of the driveway.

I thought I heard him yell something like 'I'll be right back, everything is fine' though it could have been 'This country is crazy, I'm outta here' ... I'm just not sure."

~~~

Hello, my name is Corporate Corporation

(did you say something? speak up, i can't hear you)

Oh my gosh, I have SO much to rant about these days!

The Supreme Court has said that corporations are people with all the same rights as you and me but way more money to produce stupid political commercials. So I need to figure out a couple of things.

Like, if a corporation comes to my door selling Palin For President Girl Scout Cookies am I allowed to swear at them, even if it makes them cry? Or if a corporation invites me over for dinner and then wants me to watch The Obama Deception Full Screen Surround Sound Blu Ray Extended Version with them should I put my fingers in my ears and go "la la la" for three hours?

I could just go home, of course. But the only thing playing on my TV will be The Obama Omen, The Devil's Advobamacate, and old reruns of John Kerry: The Flip Flop Chronicles.

So if I shoot the corporation instead, would I be put in jail? Cuz after all, corporations can deny my health care or pollute my water or convince my teenagers to smoke or collapse the entire economy and nobody puts them in jail.

It's all so confusing.

Meanwhile, as our friendly corporations meet at the country club and smoke cigars, there are some movements afoot to try to get our puny little insignificant people-ish voices heard.

Here are some websites you might want to check out. If you know of any others, let me know and I'll add them to my list!

SaveDemocracy.net - by the fabulous Alan Grayson, who rants even better than me
Corporations are NOT the People - A fax petition that probably won't do any good but might make you feel better
Impeach the Supreme Court Five - ditto

~~~

I had a dream. Not any more.

(stop smiling. y'all just destroyed the country.)

I had a dream that one day this nation would wake up and realize how far we have strayed from our own ideals. Freedom. Equality. Open arms that welcome people who don't look like us, or speak like us. Open minds that are willing to listen to other points of view.

I had a dream that one day the people would take the power back from corporate interests and lobbyists and Washington insider politics.

I had a dream that my voice would count.

That dream is over.

Yesterday, our conservative Supreme Court ruled 5 to 4, along party lines, that corporations are free to spend unlimited funds on political campaigns.

Unlimited funds. Think about that.

The original lawsuit was filed by Citizens United. Kind of an ironic name, I think.

This is the group responsible for the famous Swift Boat attack ads that destroyed John Kerry's campaign. They launched a smear campaign against Hilary Clinton. The founder spearheaded the "vast right-wing conspiracy" Hilary complained about during the Clinton presidency, relentlessly pursuing stories, rumors, and outright lies about Whitewater.

Citizens United has this heart-warming mission statement on their website:

Citizens United is an organization dedicated to restoring our government to citizens' control. Through a combination of education, advocacy, and grass roots organization, Citizens United seeks to reassert the traditional American values of limited government, freedom of enterprise, strong families, and national sovereignty and security. Citizens United's goal is to restore the founding fathers' vision of a free nation, guided by the honesty, common sense, and good will of its citizens.

Unfortunately, the exact opposite is true. If WalMart and Bank of America can spend unlimited funds backing the candidates of their choice, then our voices have just been drowned out. Completely.

Am I exaggerating? I don't think so.

Over the past couple of years, I have learned four things:

1. The American people tend to believe the loudest voices. We've seen that over and over. The truth doesn't matter. Most people won't bother to look for it.

2. The radical, far-right wing has the loudest voices. President Obama has flat-out lost the message war.

3. Big corporations, who will soon be behind all of our political messaging, are not guided by honesty, common sense, or good will. They are guided by profits. Period.

And 4. No offense, but the American people are morons. If they see an ad, hear a slogan, read an email, watch Fox News - then that's what they believe. End of story.

End of dream.

Citizens United does not speak for me. They never will. They have a right-wing corporate-sponsored mission, dedicated to keeping the power in the hands of the wealthy. And the Supreme Court ruled in their favor.

The dream is over, my friends. The nightmare is just beginning.

~~~

oh shit

(i guess martha coakley should have done a centerfold. it worked for brown.)

He did it. Scott Brown, the centerfold Hunk Of The Year truck-driving Republican took over Ted Kennedy's Senate seat.

How did he win? He had better ads.

He had a catchy slogan. A rugged pick-up truck. He even had a TV ad using Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy! What the heck?

Coakley used snarky, negative ads, and made the unforgivable mistake of calling Curt Shilling, a Red Sox pitcher who was campaigning for Brown, a Yankees fan.

Again, the Democrats get an F when it comes to messaging.

What does this mean for health care? I dunno.

Ironically, Brown voted for health reform in Massachusetts, implementing a system that is very very similar to the current Senate proposal. Now he's speaking out against national reform, calling it a "one size fits all" solution. If what you did was so great, Mr. Brown, why wouldn't you want it for the rest of us?

Most importantly, what does this mean for Obama? I hate to say it, but I think he's done.

The right is louder, more unified, more organized, and more vocal. It doesn't matter if their message makes no sense. It doesn't even matter if it's an outright lie. They turn it into a cute little bumper sticker-ish saying, or an eloquent impassioned email, and they get the message out. Over and over.

The right is also more determined to push through their agenda. Not some fuzzy-wuzzy bipartisan let's-all-get-along agenda. Their agenda. Obama was elected to stand up to the banks, the Wall Street fat cats, and the health insurance companies.

He doesn't seem to be standing up to anybody. And he won't tell us why we should still stand behind him.

Either the left is going to learn how to play this message game, or the game is over.

I'll say it again, Barack - give me a call! You guy seriously need a good copywriter.

Seriously.

~~~

What's wrong with Massachusettsians?

(hey doc, my heart starts pounding whenever i watch the news. what should i do?)

Oh, the drama! Oh, the angst! The health care broohaha is keeping me on the edge. In fact, my primary care physician, the self-serve blood pressure machine at WalMart, has given me a stern warning to consult a real physician if my readings continue to rise. Then it printed out an advertisement for Lipitor and a coupon for $1 off a bag of dog food. Which is what I will end up eating if I start doing silly things like consulting real physicians.

Anyway.

Today will be another exciting episode in ... (dramatic soap opera music) ... The Edge Of Health Reform. Will Massachusetts vote for a Democrat (Coakley) to fill Ted Kennedy's Senate seat? Or will it be an upset by the Republican (Brown) who is suddenly, dramatically leading in the polls?

Here's my prediction: Brown will win.

And here's why: Massachusetts health care sucks.

As you may know, Massachusetts passed health reform several years ago. They call it RomneyCare, because Mitt Romney was Governor at the time. Yes, a Republican came up with this brilliant plan.

RomneyCare mandates that everyone must buy insurance or pay a fine. It provides subsidies for lower-income people. It specifies minimum standards for policies. But oopsie, it forgot to include cost controls, so Massachusettsians are now burdened with some of the highest medical and insurance costs in the country.

This all sounds familiar. Where have we heard these ideas before? Hmm...

Today's vote will be an indication of how people feel about ObamaCare. It will be a clear message, sent by people who know exactly what it's like to choose between Lipitor and dog food.

Don't get me wrong. The message is not "keep your hands off my health care." The message is "get this right." Stop compromising away all of the reform ideas that will make a real difference. Make the insurance companies cut costs and compete in a meaningful way, or get rid of them altogether. Give us health CARE, not health insurance.

I hope somebody in Washington will be listening.

~~~

Financial Crisis Commission Quotes

(lloyd blankfein, left - jamie dimon, right
"whew, glad that's over. wanna go for a ride in my
gold-plated jet?")

Two days ago, the new Financial Crisis Commission held its first hearings. The Commission questioned the CEOs of Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan Chase, Morgan Stanley and Bank of America.

Have these men learned any lessons from the financial meltdown?

Looking back, do they have any regrets about recklessly gambling with billions of dollars, selling investors packages of garbage disguised as gold while simultaneously betting AGAINST the very same gold-plated garbage, decimating the financial status of millions of Americans, happily accepting taxpayer bailouts and siphoning off huge profits every step of the way?

Let's listen in ... (my comments are in red) ...

Jamie Dimon (JP Morgan): "Let me be clear: no institution, including our own, should be too big to fail ... the solution is not to cap the size of financial firms."
So, let me be clear. Financial firms should not be too big. But don't make them smaller either. Gotcha.

John Mack (Morgan Stanley): "We did eat our own cooking, and we choked on it."
No Mr. Mack, WE choked on your cooking. You are still eating caviar.

LLoyd Blankfein (Goldman Sachs): Goldman "got caught up in and participated in and therefore contributed to elements of froth in the market."
Froth? Excuse me? Froth in the market? Don't you mean fraud??

Lloyd Blankfein (Goldman Sachs): "How would you look at the risk of a hurricane? The season after we had four hurricanes on the east coast, which was actually extraordinary versus the year before, rates got very low ... that year after 4 hurricanes ... rates went up spectacularly ... is the risk of hurricanes any different of those times?"
Hey Lloyd, is this what you meant a few months ago when you said you were "doing God's work" at Goldman Sachs? You were creating hurricanes? I guess maybe you were right after all.

... and my personal favorite ...

Jamie Dimon (JP Morgan): "It's not a surprise that we know we have crises every 5 - 10 years. My daughter called me from school one day and said 'Dad what's a financial crisis' and without trying to be funny, I said 'It's the kind of thing that happens every 5 - 7 years.' And she said, 'Then why is everybody so surprised?'"

... sigh ...

~~~

Seriously ...

(you got that right)

I'm sure you have heard about the devastating earthquake in Haiti. The damage to this impoverished country is staggering. Tens of thousands of people are dead. Millions are homeless. Every hospital in the country has been damaged or destroyed.

President Obama responded quickly, promising a strong, coordinated response.

Rush Limbaugh also responded quickly. Here's what he had to say:

"This will play right into Obama's hands. Humanitarian, compassionate ... they'll use this to burnish their, shall we say 'credibility' with the black community - in both the light-skinned and dark-skinned black community in this country. It's made to order for them. That's why he couldn't wait to get out there."

This is despicable. Inexcusable. And completely typical. Mr.Big Fat Idiot, like so many other people on the national stage, is obviously more interested in generating buzz than in responding with any type of authentic, human feeling.

It doesn't matter if it's an earthquake in Haiti or a flood in Louisiana or the debate over health reform. The human consequences don't matter. The truth doesn't matter. The role of our country in the world doesn't matter. All that matters to Mr. BFI and his cohorts, is that they get their faces and their hateful, ignorant words on the news.

It worked, BFI.

We heard you. Some of us cringed at your insensitivity and shook our heads at your stupidity. Others, unfortunately, nodded their heads in agreement and scoffed at the idea of an effective, necessary and compassionate response from a president who clearly is "not us."

He's part of the "black community" - not our community. Right? Just like the suffering people in Haiti. So who cares?

You got your face on the news, interspersed between footage of people trapped in the rubble.

You made your point, whether you really believe your own words or not. And I don't think you do. I think you choose your words to make an impact. Period. Just like Sarah Palin with her "death panels" or Glenn Back with his nutty conspiracy theories or my Senator John Cornyn with the biased, inaccurate emails he's always sending me.

I don't think any of you guys really believe what you're saying. You're just playing a game. And as long as you're in the spotlight, you think you're winning.

Oh well.

You boosted your ratings, Mr. Limbaugh.

I hope you're happy. You big. fat. idiot.

~~~

Sarah's Top Ten Questions About Her New Job

(wanna see me count to 2?)

Sarah, I'm so happy for you! And for me! I will never ever run out of blogging material.

In honor of Sarah's new job at Fox News, here are her Top Ten Questions About Being A Pundit:

1. Am I getting paid by the word?

2. Can I call you Bill? and Glenn? and Sean?

3. Does the red light on the camera mean I should stop? Or go? Could you write that down for me?

4. Would you mind calling me POTUS? I don't know what it means exactly, but I like the sound of it.

5. When I go from one show to another, I won't have to take a bus, will I?

6. Do you like my left-eye wink better, or my right-eye wink? Like this? Or this? This one? Or this one?

7. Do I have to give these clothes back?

8. What types of newspapers and magazines do you read every day? Gotcha!!

9. If I resign, do I still get paid?

10. Could somebody answer for me what it is exactly that a pundit does every day? I'm used to being very productive and working real hard on Facebook and Twitter. I want to make sure that the Pundit position will be a fruitful type of position, especially for my net worth and for the money and famousness that I'm trying to accomplish before I become President.

Which, by the way, could somebody answer for me what it is exactly that a President does every day? Take your time, I've got until 2012 to figger that one out.

Ads that make you go "STOP!!!!!!"

In my last couple of posts I have alluded to some ads that are driving me crazy. Have you seen this one?

(any questions? YES i want to know why this ad keeps playing over and over)

How about this one?

(if it's too hot to touch, it's too hot to leave. got it. got it. got it.)

If you have never seen them, you must not live in my viewing area. Because I see them every day, multiple times a day, with different versions playing back to back every frigging time.

I was so annoyed by the ads, I sent a kind and courteous email to ahrq.gov, the federal website (Dept of Health & Human Services) which ad# 1 insists we all need to visit to find out what questions we should be asking our doctor.

Here is my email:
"I understand the importance of asking questions. But I don't understand why I have to see your "Ten questions to ask" commercials on television over and over, back to back, all day long. This has to be costing you (i.e. the taxpayers) millions of dollars. Please. Make some new ads, or try some different avenues of communication, or send us all a postcard with the ten questions on it. The commercials are driving us all crazy."

The very next day, I received this response:
"As a federal agency, AHRQ is funded by tax dollars, but the Questions Are the Answers ads are done pro bono by the Ad Council (http://www.adcouncil.org)"

Hmm. Now I was really intrigued. What is this Ad Council, exactly? And why would they spend bazillions of dollar to produce ads and air them over and over and over?

First I looked up "Ad Council" on Wikipedia and discovered that the Council was established in 1942 as the War Advertising Council, a group dedicated to "mobilizing the advertising in support of the war effort." Since the end of WW II they have devoted their efforts to peacetime public service announcement ads which have implanted slogans such as "Friends don't let friends drive drunk" into our brains.

That's all well and good. I imagine their very first ad probably featured President Roosevelt on board an aircraft carrier with a huge "Mission Accomplished" sign in the background. Yay war.

But I'm still wondering ... is there really no taxpayer money involved?

I found this little tidbit on the Ad Council's very own website:
Each Ad Council campaign is sponsored by a non-profit organization or a government agency that provides the production and distribution costs and serves as the "issue expert."

What's that? Hello? Government agencies provide the production and distribution costs?

Then I found this little article from August, 2008:
In an effort to "shape the public attitude toward TSA screening personnel," the Transportation Security Administration is planning to award a sole source $1.3 million contract to the nonprofit organization The Ad Council Inc., to help raise the level of public awareness about security and TSA’s critical role in protecting it.

Hello again? TSA? Government agency? $1.3 million?

So ok, let's assume that I am mistaken or I have forgotten how to read or something. The ads are produced pro bono, with money that appears out of the air. What a heart-warming concept.

In fact, here is a heart-warming account from someone who attended a heart-warming dinner that was recently hosted by the Ad Council:

"This group of advertising and media executives are there to celebrate the great creative work that the Ad Council has produced in the past year... These ad campaigns are produced pro bono by some of the best advertising agencies in the world. This year the media companies donated $1.8 billion in space and time to showcase these commercials.

I spoke to a few people that had never attended this event in the past and they were completely surprised at how proud they were that this organization was inspiring the room and millions of Americans with its great advertising. We all gasped when we heard that 49 million people in this great country go hungry every day. That blew everyone away ...

The evening also raised $2.5 million dollars (another record), which will go a long way to help with the Ad Council's budget."

Hmm. The media companies donated $1.8 billion in space and time. The evening raised $2.5 million. And the Ad Council receives who-knows-how-much-money from Mr. and Mrs. Taxpayer. And you all gasped when you heard that 49 million people go hungry every day?

How many hungry people would $1.8 billion feed? Or $2.5 million? Or even half of that?

Tell ya what. You guys air those annoying ads half as often.

I'll promise to ask my doctor 5 questions instead of 10.

And let's see if we can gasp a little less, and help a little more.

How about it?

~~~

Bumblehead Geniuses of the Week

(duh ... hey ... i have an idea)

This week, our Bumbleheads are all Geniuses! Funny how that happens sometimes.

I found our 3 brilliant idiots in today's headlines. Here are the headlines, along with a brief decription of the bumbleheads:

Headline # 1:
Man Arrested In Newark Airport Security Breach
(from news.yahoo.com)
NEWARK, N.J. – A man believed to have breached security to bid his girlfriend goodbye, triggering the shutdown of a busy Newark Airport terminal that led to snarled flights worldwide, was arrested in New Jersey and faces a trespassing charge and a fine of up to $500.

Ok, so who was this dummy? Who would be stupid enough to slip under a security rope and walk down the terminal with his girlfriend? (I'll ignore the obvious question about the dummies who think a security rope makes us secure in the first place - not to mention the dummies who think $500 is an appropriate punishment)

Was he a teenager? A senile old person like me? An idiot? Not quite. He's a Chinese doctoral student in a joint molecular biosciences program at Rutgers University. A genius. And yet, clearly, a bumblehead.

Moving on ...

Headline # 2:
Supreme Court Ruling Expected To End Limits On Political Contributions From Corporations, Unions
(from Huffington Post/NY Times)
Many legal experts say they expect the court ... to eliminate the remaining restrictions on advertisements for or against candidates paid for by corporations, unions and advocacy organizations.

Come on, genius bumbleheaded black-robed guys and gals. Do the American people really need further proof that our entire political system is owned and operated by corporations? The good news, I suppose, is that non-stop 24/7 political ads just might mean we'll stop seeing those annoying Ten Questions To Ask Your Doctor ads over and over and over and over and over and over. And over.

And last but not least, I'm afraid to say ...

Headline # 3:
Obama Highlights Benefits Of Health Care Bill
(from news.yahoo.com)
WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama, eager to sign a health care overhaul bill into law, on Saturday highlighted some of the changes that would come in the first year and permanently ban "the worst practices of the insurance industry."

Sadly, Mr. President, I must include you in my list of bumbleheads this week. In spite of your happy-happy-joy-joy speeches lately, I am not excited in the least about the health care bill. I think it benefits the insurance companies more than anyone else. Certainly more than me.

I am fed up with the whole thing.

And if I hear one more person claim that subsidies will make insurance "affordable" I'm going to scream. I'd rather hear about the ten questions I should ask my doctor. I'm sure the first question is "why is my blood pressure so high?" ... but then, I already know the answer to that one.

~~~

Terrorist Transcript

(underwear is everywhere, especially underneath)

Breaking News! I have obtained a top secret, totally classified, completely made up but not that far from the truth transcript from a recent Al Qaeda meeting.

shhh ... let's listen in ...

Top Terrorist: Gather round, fellow Jihadists! Big news from the Land Of The Great Satan.

Lowly Recruits: What is it??

TT: They have a new leader. And he is no longer using the phrase "War On Terror!" Haha! You know what this means, don't you?

LR: Uh, not really.

TT: They no longer know that we exist! We are invisible to them! Plus, for the past 8 years we were so busy fighting them here, we had no time to take the War On Terror to their soil. But now, we are ready! It's time to strike!

LR: Woo hoo!

TT: We are emboldened!

LR: Oh yeah!

TT: In fact, we have a new plan. First, we have developed some new television ads that will hypnotize the stupid Americans and make them totally powerless against our might. These diabolical ads talk about the 10 questions you need to ask your doctor. We're going to broadcast them over and over, back to back, again and again, until the Americans will do ANYTHING to make them stop.

LR: Boo-ya!

TT: Next, we have developed some new explosives. They will be undetected by the pathetic airport screeners.

LR: Yee-haw!

TT: All you have to do is hide the explosives in these specially designed underpants.

LR: Huh?

TT: Then take a match ...

LR: Uh-oh.

TT: And Ka-Boom! You're on your way to glorious martyrdom. Or a public defender. Either way, you should be fine.

LR: ... gulp ...

~~~

What took them so long?

(i *heart* credit card reform)

February 22nd is just around the corner! Woo hoo! We're all excited, right?

No, the 22nd is not my birthday. It's the day when the Credit Card Reform Act goes into effect. This is good news! It's a good Act. It's about time.

Here's what the credit card companies can no longer do:

- They cannot increase your interest rate just because you made a late payment to a totally different, unrelated company that has nothing to do with your credit card.

- They cannot charge you interest on a balance that you have already paid off.

- They cannot charge multiple over-limit fees on a single transaction.

- They cannot charge you a fee for making a payment online.

And on and on and on.

My number one question is, why were they allowed to do this stuff in the first place? This is crazy stuff. You pay off a balance, and they charge interest on it anyway? You pay your phone bill late, so they raise the interest rate on your credit card? What the heck?

My number two question is, which of our fine politicians voted against this obviously-much-needed reform bill? Just wondering. So I did a little research.

In the House, the bill passed 357 - 70.
Here's who voted no:
69 Republicans, including Bachmann, Boehner and Cantor
One Democrat, Herseth Sandlin from South Dakota

In the Senate, the bill passed 90 - 5.
Here's who voted no:
4 Republicans including John Thune from South Dakota
One Democrat, Tim Johnson from South Dakota

My third and final question for today is, what's up with South Dakota? Why would all of their politicians be against credit card reform?

Well, if you have a credit card you may have noticed that your payments go to a mailing address in South Dakota. That's because there are no state usury laws in SD, so financial companies based in SD can basically charge you as much as they want.

Hmm. I wonder why the credit card companies would want to be based in that state?

Just think: the Republicans are now arguing that the health insurance companies should have the same freedom to operate across state lines. They make it sound like a good idea. "More competition" - "Open up the marketplace" - "Yada yada yada" ... but the insurance companies clearly would move their headquarters to whatever state has the loosest regulations, and then continue to charge as much as they want.

Argh.

My dream is that one day we will all look back at the ridiculous arguments going on about health reform. We will have a clear picture of the abuses the insurance companies have gotten away with for years and years. We will appreciate the new protections set up by our fine, upstanding politicians.

And we will wonder - "What took them so long?"

~~~

Bumblehead of the Week

(rush limbaugh - bumblehead of every week)

Rush was rushed to the hospital last week! Goodness! I'm sure you have all been on pins and needles, wondering how he's going.

Fortunately, the big fella is just fine. His chest pains were apparently caused by a vacant spot in his chest that would normally be occupied by a heart. Kind of similar to those headaches he often gets, if you know what I mean.

Anyway.

Rush is now home and doing great. Here's what he had to say about the experience:

(From Politico.com)
"The treatment I received here was the best that the world has to offer,” Limbaugh said. “Based on what happened here to me, I don't think there's one thing wrong with the American health care system. It is working just fine, just dandy."


No kidding, Brainless One. You're a wealthy, famous American with, I'm sure, ample health insurance. Of course your treatment was "just dandy."

Grrr.

In a somewhat related story, a friend of mine who is totally not a bumblehead recently posted some pictures of her new grandbaby on Facebook. One of the photos showed the hospital lobby. It looks just fine, just dandy. But it struck me a little odd ...




... tell me, do we perhaps, slightly, maybe have our priorities a little out of whack in this country, when hospital lobbies look like luxurious 5-star hotels but middle class people go bankrupt every day from medical expenses? Hmmm?

Is our system really the best the world has to offer?
Are we doing fine?
Dandy?
Really?

~~~

My Predictions For 2010

(hey, who cracked my crystal ball?)

Oh magical crystal ball, what might possibly be in store for us in 2010? Here are my predictions:

1. Health reform will pass, with or without actual reform, the insurance companies will raise their rates like crazy, and Joe Lieberman will say "I told you so."

2. There will be another terrorist attempt somewhere in the U.S., and Dick Cheney will say "I told you so."

3. Global warming will be confirmed, though the source of the warming will be traced to all the hot air coming out of cable news channels. Al Gore will say "I told you so."

4. Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin will have a knock-down-drag-out custody fight, fully publicized on all the news channels for months on end, later to be turned into a made-for-HBO movie starring the entire Palin family as themselves, which will quickly morph into a frighteningly popular reality show called DisFunky DisFunktional Family Belongs In Da White House, which God forbid just might become real reality in 2012 if the Obama administration doesn't get its act together.

At that point, Sarah Palin will post her shortest Facebook memo ever: "I told you so."

~~~